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The Boner
Fantasy era tank, because I can't keep living vicariously through Matt. Possibly something Saruman or Sauron should have built for their armies. Those Nazgűl are overrated. (I mean really, you flick a match on their robes and they run off squealing in agony. If I'm Sauron, I'm thinking: these are my go to guys?!)
About this creation


Armor is Chobham type composite with interlaced layers of dragon scale and dried, compacted orc dung. Turret front is rated at 2.8 fingers of Mithril Equivalent Protection, 2.4 fingers M.E.P. for hull upper front.




Main armament is 5.4 fingers caliber poisonous berries. A combination of discarding sabot and HEAT technologies are employed, in unusual ways. Early in flight, after leaving the barrel, the skin and flesh of the berries are discarded. Since several seeds are released, this superficially resembles canister ammunition, but is not the point. The small, dense seeds by themselves continue their flight with superior aerodynamic performance. On impact with the target, the naturally hollow seeds break apart, releasing focused jets of the contained toxins. Ammunition is cut from the source bushes retaining small protrusions of surrounding twig and leaves in order to fin-stabilize the rounds during early flight, until the skin and flesh are discarded.




Secondary armament consists of multiple lateral, rear, and upward facing ports allowing spear thrusts by the crew inside.




Suspension and drive train both utilize petrified ogre bones for axles, etc ... These are mined from a unique, highly protected peat bog. Few know its well guarded location, though there is a project under way to infer this from a pattern of losses of messenger moths and their flight routes. It is believed all moths flying close to the location of the bog mine are shot down to prevent espionage. Ironically, this policy can be exploited by examining the loss pattern from carefully chosen test routes. The surprisingly imprecise routes followed by the moths is proving a hindrance.




Power is provided by dual 2.5 trollpower turbines burning compressed troll farts. The farts are collected, contained, and compressed by adepts known as "fart benders" (a closely allied guild to the "dung benders" and "urine benders" that shape and quench the armor during manufacture). On flat, dry terrain, the tank is capable of 15 leagues per stound.




Performance loss is pronounced on steep grades, less so in mud. Combined with much weaker underside and turret top armor, formations including this model are best engaged in hilly or rough terrain. Turret top armor is rated at 0.4 fingers M.E.P. and is, anecdotally, vulnerable to heavy crossbow fire directed direcly downward. The tracks are fouled easily by direct hits of solid stone catapult shot.




Additionally, quantities of stored troll farts, or farts of the crew directly, may be released from vents surrounding the hull. If lit, this provides a smoke function. Unlit, this establishes a noxious surrounding, lasting 20-30 sec in non-windy conditions.








The crew compartment is hardened against psychological effects of fairy harp music.






The 4 mufflers.








The radiator and 2 fart ports.








This unit's current crew (from the left): driver, loader, gunner, commander, morale officer. The majority of the crew have been together for a long time, excluding the commander and morale officer. The previous commander died from a bee sting while sipping his jasmine tea around the camp fire with the crew. He had no idea he was allergic. The morale officer is a temp substituting for the assigned officer, shown below, currently on R&R after a grueling tour. The veteran members of the crew do not like the temp morale officer, and eagerly await their commrade's return. She does not handle the crew's direct farting functions as capably, one of her several duties.




Seriously, before anyone asks, the orc members of the crew are all male. Their long hair is a badge of honor only permitted to the tank corps. They are practically required to maintain their hair luxuriously conditioned as part of their esprit de corps. And, really, why would you want to conquer Middle Earth and not look good doing it?




This unit's maintenance crew, including the fart bender (and crew chief) and refueling trolls, Peaches (left) and Daisy. The trolls can also be directed to lift up the tank if underside or track maintenance or repairs are required.




On parade. This was actually after a bruising defeat resulting in the loss of 20% of the company and even more of their attached infantry. That's pretty much what you get for sending an armored column into the Misty Mountains. When will Sauron ever learn, that whacky guy! However, the morale officer clearly knows her business.




An earlier, lower muzzle velocity, version of the gun.






An example of the ammunition source bush. The orcs know it as "Angel of Heavenly Sweetness" or Seraphin Thecae Jucundus (a rather ironic name coined by the first and only orc to ever taste from it). Among men it is known as "Endless Prickly Night" (Aevitatis Verpae Tenebra). You don't want to know what the Ents call it. The adorable forest bunny (Saepius Coitus Sempiternus) is immune to the toxins and is perfectly happy to plant his face in the bush and eat all day long.






Yes, Matt, I am aware I still owe you a pink, disco themed, tank crewed by Starsky and Hutch. Working on it. If I could just get Lee to lend me 1 percent of his pink collection for a month ... Note, however, the unusual amount of technic functionality here, for this day and age: NONE! Muchas gracias to Dan, Hans, and Joel for your help.



Comments

 I like it 
  April 3, 2012
Sick work. Though I would say it rather fits the WH40k demon armies rather than orcs. :P But all in all very nice organic design, I wish I had that many of the tail and horn pieces...
 I like it 
  August 30, 2011
I have no clue what your last comment was about...
 I like it 
  June 15, 2011
So, the forest bunny sounds a little like James Caan...Anyway, thought you might be interested in my latest, surely some of your type of humor, and I know, don't call you Shirley...
 I like it 
  April 11, 2011
awesome tank, it must've taken a while to build.
 I like it 
  April 5, 2011
Achtung baby! This thing is an abomination! It's heinous! It's an affront to the natural order of thing! Start mass production at once. Best line of the write up: These are mined from a unique, highly protected peat bog. Your talking my language man. Attack!
Tom Simon
 I like it 
Andrew AKA Hump-Free
  April 2, 2011
Hey Man, At First I Thought, This Is A Tank? But Then I Looked At More Pics, And Said, This Is Not A Tank! This Is A Unique Moving Fortress, That Is A Physical Tribute To The Nonlinear, To Imagination, To Originality, And To LEGO And By All Means No Mere Feat. Very Nice MOC, Also I Will Use This Comment To Inform You That There Are Some Important Matters Being Discussed In My Group About Adding Mods, And That I Added Something Today, I Believe You May Enjoy.
 I like it 
  March 15, 2011
Amazing.....
 I like it 
  March 3, 2011
This is crazy, awesome, funny, weird, beautiful and unique all at the same time. Priceless.
 I like it 
  February 28, 2011
my wife would like that!
 I like it 
  February 27, 2011
Very cool. Can't say I've seen too many fantasy type tanks of this nature. I also think you've had one too many of those poisonous plants as a "recreational" hobby, as you are crazy yo!
 I made it 
  February 26, 2011
Quoting Mark Sanders en spirit de corps is already taken by the USMC.
I don't know what that is supposed to mean. It is a phrase (of French origin), dating hundreds of years, that has a meaning, and which is used in many contexts, including a military one (by dozens of military branches throughout the nations of the world). I am simply using the phrase to mean exactly what it stands for. I am not trying to claim, coin, copyright, or otherwise "own" the phrase in any way. The USMC also uses the word "proud" as part of its various slogans or mottos. Does that make using the word "proud" somehow off limits in any other contexts?
 I like it 
  February 26, 2011
Unusual, weird, art, impossible, amazing... are all the right words here. But my only word is: WOW!
 I like it 
  February 26, 2011
Every thing is cool about it except for 1 thing, en spirit de corps is already taken by the USMC.
 I made it 
  February 26, 2011
Quoting Matt David you're clearly the closest thing the LEGO community has to Legally Insane. Now if only you had a sig-fig....
Thank you good sir. My insanity or near insanity is one of my proudest badges. My sig-fig is effectively the bunny.
 I like it 
  February 25, 2011
I love it! Extremely original.
 I like it 
  February 25, 2011
Wow! I have absolutely no idea what the rambling paragraphs say, but the design of this is pure genious! I never knew you could use "natural gas" to power such an incredible monstrocity.
 I like it 
  February 25, 2011
Never seen a horny tank before! The tank is absolutely fabulous! I also love the plant! That flower stalk is pure genius!
  February 25, 2011
Cool tank. Trolls: Peaches and Daisy! LOL! The name is a bit awkward... Could've called it the "Boney" or something.
  February 25, 2011
I must admit, when I typed the keyword into the search box I was expecting a different result.(If you know what I mean)
Tom Simon
 I like it 
Spaztastic the Diabolical
  February 24, 2011
What is wrong with you?
  February 24, 2011
quite an awkward name because well...you know... but i got to say this absolutely amazing. looks like alot of effort was put into this creation. 5 stars!!!
 I like it 
  February 24, 2011
A tank made of bones. Brilliant. Not to mention intimidating.
 I like it 
  February 23, 2011
You shall pass!!! being serious, this is one epic tank. very unique.
 I like it 
  February 23, 2011
The creation is amazing, but the name is a bit odd.
 I like it 
  February 23, 2011
amazing creation. though you might wanna think about changing the name...
 I like it 
  February 23, 2011
This IS !!..... Yuk !!! but.... WOW !!.... so imaginative !!!! Incredible tank and orks with flowers on the head..... well... he he he !!!
 I like it 
  February 23, 2011
Tom, where do I begin? First, I'll start by mentioning I thought you were completely joking about all the Belleville pieces. I should have known better, as you're clearly the closest thing the LEGO community has to Legally Insane. The tank is amazing. Spectacular. Exceeds expectations in all regards. The mix of themes on the tank alone is enough to make this MOC worthwhile, and the technical aspect is nothing too shabby itself. I second Stu's appraisal of your bush. It is truly fierce in its own respect. Also, I am greatly honored with the appointment of crew chief / natural gas bender, and I am equally pleased with the accompanying adornments of mushroom-hat and gas-staff. I owe you one, buddy. Now if only you had a sig-fig....
 I like it 
  February 23, 2011
Thats some mean bush at the end there - and a very neat design too. Loving the organic shapes in the turret and the way the side-spikes fan out, but its eye-catching construction throughout Tom. And of course the write-up is bat-guano crazy and lots of fun too. Good job mate.
Tom Simon
 I like it 
Toa Oblivious ,Master of Earth
  February 22, 2011
THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!!!
Tom Simon
 I like it 
Dave Sterling
  February 22, 2011
That is bonelicious. Really nice organic lines an great use of the various bone pieces. I also love the color scheme. Finally, the back-story is hilarious and very well done.
Tom Simon
 I like it 
August Russ
  February 22, 2011
Dude that looks amazingly awsome... And also it looks like a crab spider! Funny! good build!
Tom Simon
Dominick S
  February 22, 2011
Wow... I'm seriously doubting that I have actual skill after seeing this. It's totally awesome, and the amount of bones and sharp looking pieces make it menacing. Could you please check this out? http://www.mocpages.com/moc.php/251526 Thanks!
  February 22, 2011
exelant desine and all but i have one question... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Really sweet moc although i cant say the same for the name.... xD nah jk....
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Really cool tank and all, but you might want to rethink the name!XD
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
hahahah..... boner
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Quoting Tom Simon Zane, Zane, Zane ... And you claim to be too good for our club?
I don't claim to be to good for anything haha. And i am unaware of this club you speak of, but i have a feeling i'll need a good, clean shower after joining. P.S. One thing i forgot to add in my first comment: "i bet a lot of guys on mocpages would enjoy conquering 'Middle Earth'"
 I made it 
  February 22, 2011
Quoting Zane Houston i would have liked a picture showing the boner spraying it's seeds
Zane, Zane, Zane ... And you claim to be too good for our club?
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
It seems you are severely lacking in teeth/bone pieces.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
awesome work! best tank ever!
 I made it 
  February 22, 2011
Quoting Hans DendauwNPD I thought the Misty Mountains link was going to take me back to Leda's homepage...~H
I knew I missed a trick.
 I made it 
  February 22, 2011
Quoting Master Shifu Leo J The streak of insane masterpieces continues.
Thanks man. I aim to be psychotic.
 I made it 
  February 22, 2011
Quoting Chris Phipson Meh, I'm sure Samwise could take it down with his gardening tools... And "Daisy?" Really? HAHA ~ Chris.
Never mess with a guy and his pitchfork. It was that or "Strawberry".
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Ok, I went back and checked out all the links. Nice touch. I thought the Misty Mountains link was going to take me back to Leda's homepage...~H
 I made it 
  February 22, 2011
Quoting Hans DendauwNPD I now see what you were talking about with the rear. Now, aren't you glad you stuck with it?~H
Always glad to stick with a fine rear.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
The streak of insane masterpieces continues. This tank just upped the ante. The idea is incredible but making it come to life is mindblowing! And of course the psychotic episode does not end there with the hilarious, well thought-off writeup. Bravo!
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Did Phippy not pick up on the name? Or the various innuendoes throughout? Or is he just not acknowledging them? Shall we ever kno- what, you want me to look at the model? Oh, alright then...Nah, just kidding, very good work here, very good indeed!
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Great MOC! Never seen such a wicked and original thing like this! Keep it up! -Jan
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Meh, I'm sure Samwise could take it down with his gardening tools... And "Daisy?" Really? HAHA ~ Chris.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Incredible design! While it looks very emotionlessly roboticaly menacing it sort of has that smooth-ish organic look to it.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
I'm glad the title was misleading... That is one dangerous looking beastie - I might have made it with all sorts of moving this and that and whatnot but it wouldn't have looked so good.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
haha, boner! (being immature is fun, i advise you to try it!)
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Matt as the 'Bender De Flatulence' was priceless and your write-up was hilarious. The take itself came out great and I now see what you were talking about with the rear. Now, aren't you glad you stuck with it?~H
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Uh...I can't find any words...
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
This turned out great! Awesome name for it as well. Love all the detail work and the story gave me a chuckle.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
I have no idea how you made this, but this is crazy building! The tail bases forming around the center is my favorite part.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Wow, this tank is a monster! Very well done!
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Quite an imagination you have there, my friend! This is about as original a build as I can think of. Awesome!
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
It looks great and very, very, expensive.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
haha ohmygod this is awesome!
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
nice!, how many of those curved spike pieces did you need to make it? its pretty awesome.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Pretty cool, but you may want to change the name.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Epic! I only had to see the thumbnail for a split second to know this was your work. If you look really close you can see 'Lego Artist' written all over it. Very nicely executed mate. ~Thoy
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
That's probably the strangest thing I've seen in quite some time. My first thought was 'Mad Max', but I believe Sauron would love to have this either. The explanations are entertaining and the extras amazing.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Haha, wild, I love it. Great design end supurb description of the 'technical' featchers.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
What a beast! I love it! I'm sorry cause i didn't respond to your invite in the MOCathalon team, I had a swimming competition and I wasn't at home. Good job again.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
The horror... The horror...
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
astonishing, I love the colorscheme, nice turret, it has something demonic, which I like
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Cleverly done and very smooth, although I must admit the text is a bit odd.
 I like it 
  February 22, 2011
Hahaha wow... i never i would take in so much from a single MOC. All around the tank is awesome, a quite impressive boner if i do say so myself (however i would have liked a picture showing the boner spraying it's seeds). The mufflers are cool, and the amount of tails/horns all over is astonishing. As for the massive amounts of beefy text to sift through, the description is very nice, and the innuendo...is...well...no comment :)
 
By Tom Simon
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