Somewhere in the remote desert of the near future……….
“Ah, Commissioner, good to see you. We don’t often get visiting dignitaries at Bunker D, especially somebody who reports directly to the Overpresident himself.”
“So I understand Doctor Delahay. It has come to my attention that since it was founded, your desert lab has consumed vast quantities of cash, energy and resources, attracted the brightest minds in the free nations, and all without any oversight or approvals. Everything you produce here is cloaked in layers of classification and secrecy and the Overpresident seems happy to give you free reign to continue. Well no more! As the new commissioner for research funding, I am here to inspect you and your work and determine the suitability of continuing its very existence!”
“Harsh! Oh well Commissioner, I perfectly understand. Why don’t you hop aboard my personal hover racer, I mean hover cart, and accompany me on a tour? Then you can ask any questions you like, O.K.?”
“My guard comes too.”
“Fine. What is he, level 7? Shadow guild training?”
“8, and how did you know about the guild?”
“Oh, we supply most of their tech…..”
“I understand Dr. Delahay that you had a specific mission statement when founding this facility?”
“Yes sir. I told the pres I would like a place to go and work and see if I could invent ANYTHING, what would that be? Well, I have done just that.”
“You have? What is it?”
“Later in the tour, first let’s look at our alternative fuels lab”
“Professor David here is making real headway into the clone fuels project. His latest versions are reaching almost 27 miles per clone when powering giant war machines"
“Here we are at one of our medical research facilities”
“The pain-o-meter. Finally we can tell exactly how much pain somebody is in, gauge how much anaesthetic they really need, whether they are just being a big sissy. We are still testing, so we keep shipping in new convicts. Did you know that one hammering can be the equivalent of three crotch-punches? Fascinating stuff.
It has become a bit of a competition though, like one of those tests of strength at the fairground. The other day director Fassio got him underwear made from Bionicle parts, then dragged him around the room on his….”
“Doctor, please, I think I’ve seen enough here!”
“Wait a minute, we’ve just been to lab 9, now we’re at lab 5, but we didn’t turn around. How disorganised is this place Doctor?”
“Not at all. All our labs are optimally located for my personal tastes. The screaming from Lab 9 can be off putting while I’m having a nap, so I moved it further from my office”
“You moved the lab? But how..
“Not now commish, we have to go see the money tree”
“You were serious!”
“Of course. I’ve had varying degrees of success with different denominations. The pound can be very seasonal, but the dollar is a good perennial.”
“Nothing to see here commissioner, just Dr. Dendauw, his monkey and his hydroponics lab where we grow…. Tomatoes. Yep, Definitely tomatoes. Speaking of monkeys, we’d better have a look in the weaponisation lab”
“Yep. You take an existing platform such as an animal, and give it weapons! Generals love ’em! You can charge what you like for a laser crocodile like this one because nobody has to call his parents and explain that he trod on a landmine”
“But….. you’ve got a dinosaur!”
“Oh yeah! The easy part was gengineering the T-rex, the hard part is getting him not to fire the cannon all the time, he’s such a big kid. And the less said about flamecow the better, she still upsets the shrapnel chickens.”
…. …. So it seems there is indeed great para-psychological significance in what the living clumsily refer to as ‘the conga’”
“Thanks Prof. Bones. Moving on…..”
“Now wait a minute Doctor. You’ve shown me a lot of ….stuff, but most of it I would term ‘Crackpot theories’ and you haven’t said a word about your personal project yet. I demand you take me to your laboratory!”
“But you still haven’t seen the work on meat enlargement by Dr. Jones and Shifu Leo J. Or the Phipson lab’s work on totally lethal law-enforcement techniques. How about the time machine, or the fish-tank? Kelso’s endless SHIP? And I haven’t even…
“Enough! No more stalling! Your work here is under review Doctor, so take me to your workspace right now or so help me, I’ll have my guard here shoot you!”
“Whoa now, there’s no need for that! I’ll take you right now”
“Here we are”
“You guards stay here, by order of the Overpresident”
“What’s this? A sun-lounger and beers? Explain this to me!”
“Sure. I wanted to see what would happen if I could invent anything. Well I figured out, if I could invent ANYTHING at all, it would be a way for me and my family to be comfortable while we did whatever we liked. That’s what I invented commissioner, a situation where I am happy and nobody interferes with what I do, and I feel tremendously clever to have done so.”
“Really? You think you’re clever, but you’ve just admitted to me that your entire facility here and your whole role, is a big fraud! This lab’s finished. Never mind having you shut down, I’m going to have you shot! Guard!”
“What’s this? Who are you?”
“That’s my wife Caroline. You know I said we knew about the Shadow guild? Well she runs the division that supplies their technology because of her unique knowledge – she’s level 18”
“You killed my bodyguard! The Overpresident will hear of this!”
“Unlikely I’d say – we supply the prez with his ‘tomatoes’ and weaponised crocodiles. Nobody threatens to have me shot twice on one tour. Didn’t you ever think to ask what happened to the previous funding commissioner? Oh dear, sleep well”
“Oh, that was strange, I had the most horrible…… dream? Aaaarghhhh!”
4th wall/ notes
I’m not trying to be profound here, just saying if I could invent anything, I’d make a way for my family and me to be happy and comfortable.
I also figured I could play mad inventor while I’m at it. Plus I guessed my fellow builders would come up with great ideas so I could stick to the mad/ funny/ slightly inappropriate ones – lets face it, a T-rex with a gun is cool, right?
Apologies to the fine folk of MOCpages if I took your name or sigfig in vain, and likewise if you weren’t named or represented – no offense meant either way. If you have a serious gripe, know this – my wife really is Shadow Guild trained to the 18th level. She will find you.
Hmm... can the alternative fuels lab use custom clones too? I think we may have solved a major MOC curse... well, as usual, your MOC is well built, with good writing. How much would I have to shell out for a flock of shrapnel chickens?
HA! What a great idea, funny stuff! How did you know I was working on dancing undead? Must say, that pain-o-meter was funny as all Hades. Yes kids, Hades IS funny...we go drinking every Saturday night.
Well, I'd love to comment on the consistent fabulousness of the ENTIRE build but, being the insufferable narcissist that I am, I'll just say that I found the clone-fuel build to be one of the greatest images on the 'pages. I especially loved the soldier sitting in his indifference, sipping a cup of coffee (or tea?). When I made that statement so long ago I had a very similar diabolical image in my head - it even included fire and troopers with "encouragement spears". Well, what can I say? Twisted minds think alike. A great build, of course - I hope it fairs well.
You've always been good, but now you've found your niche, and there's nowhere for you to go but straight up! You always manage to come close to the bottom of the barrel, without quite dredging the bottom, pushing out tantalizing little tidbits of naughtiness instead blatantly bashing people upside the head with it. Keep up the fabulous work! (Yes, I keep coming back to read this thing.)
Impressive stuff! I enjoyed every second reading it and looking at the photos. The build is really nice and creative. Lovin the custom figures, and especially the shrapnel chickens! Looking forward to more. ~ Ghostman :)
'That's right, move along, NOTHING to see here...' LMAO Stu, if I could add you as a favorite again, I would! You are officially the first person to use a proper SigHansi, complete with monkey, no less; I'm flattered. Another top-notch entry from you and...hold on...gotta go, the Overpresident is calling. Must be out of 'tomatoes'!~H
Love the dinosaur part. Very funny throughout, with a nice touching ending. Great builds, and the details are always good to check out. I'm working on my entry now, but I don't know how it's going to compare. -Sam