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Ladon joining the brotherhood
here it is. And nufalak, if the lore doesn't fit, then sorry, i must really suck at these creations.
About this creation

this is how Ladon joined the brotherhood of the Blade.


Ladon was coming from teh market, after having failed to acquire any food. He stops when he hears the voice of a soldier from the native tribes.

tribal soldier: alright, bring it there by nightfall, make sure no one finds out about this. If those peasants or brotherhod vigilantes catch wind of this, are plan will fail.
(Hey nufalak, is it okay if the tribal soldiers speak ebglish?)
soldier: alright, fine, if you want those crystals, be ready.
The tribal soldier looked up and saw Ladon standing there.
Tribal soldier: that boy has overheard us, we must kill him before he tells anyone else.
Befoer they could move, Ladon sprinted halfway down the stree and hid in a butcher shop when the soldier and the tribal soldier ran by.
Ladon: i've got to get back to warn father.


he rushed by the bakery, the ironworkshop, and the tanner (And no, i don't mean the skin color) he passed by civilians and soldiers. When he arrived at his house his father was surrounded by tribal soldiers and a few crown soldiers.



his father was killing a tribsmen when the soldier that chased Ladon, swiped up and took off Ladon's father's head.


Ladon ran forward and picked up his father's fallen swords. He sliced past the soldier and killed the remaining tribsmen. They had all fallen, but his house was burning beyond repare.
man: Come with me.
Ladon turned his head from his father's body.
Ladon: who are you.
Man: let's just say i'm a brother. He grabbed Ladon by the wrist anad led him to his hideout.



Comments

 I made it 
  August 22, 2009
Quoting Nufalak of Balnazzar Oy... Lots of problems here. First, the natives dont look like that. They dont speak English either. They also dont live in the valley, or even near the city. Natives would not be working with gaurds, and gaurds wouldnt be doing something thats a secret from the king or illegal. Also, why did they randomly attack the house? And why does everyone have a bunch of glowing guns an stuff? Why did a Brother just suddenly come to Ladon? Just because his father died? And a Brother wouldnt just grab a kids wrist and drag him to his hideout. Overall, this doesnt fit very well and needs a lot of work. I think the problem you keep running into with your creations is the temptation to copy others, focusing on random "cool" action ideas, and not putting enough thought into a story.
theyre rouge soldiers, those arent glowing guns, their supposed to be gems, they attacked the house because Ladon overheard them and they needed to silence him before he told anyone else, the brother saw the fire and saw Ladon fighting off the soldeirs adn the tribal soldiers, and he thought that Ladon was good. Everythng else will be explained in the series.
  August 22, 2009
Oy... Lots of problems here. First, the natives dont look like that. They dont speak English either. They also dont live in the valley, or even near the city. Natives would not be working with gaurds, and gaurds wouldnt be doing something thats a secret from the king or illegal. Also, why did they randomly attack the house? And why does everyone have a bunch of glowing guns an stuff? Why did a Brother just suddenly come to Ladon? Just because his father died? And a Brother wouldnt just grab a kids wrist and drag him to his hideout. Overall, this doesnt fit very well and needs a lot of work. I think the problem you keep running into with your creations is the temptation to copy others, focusing on random "cool" action ideas, and not putting enough thought into a story.
  August 21, 2009
I won't bother you because of the small build, but what makes it bad is the big amount of story lacks. How the tribesman speak the human language, did he learned it somewhere or can your character understand their native one? What are the "plan"? Getting a legal crystal without been seen? Burning a house of somebody, they can't know? Why the natives work with soldiers together? And why the Brotherhood takes the guy just because his father is dead? Are they the youth agency? Many things that should be explained, at least in another episode, because this is just confusing, sorry.
 I made it 
  August 21, 2009
well i'm going to start a comic with my character. ok, the house burning down was Ladon's, the tribsman does speak english, the plan will be explained in a next episode. And sorry fro using your idea for the tribesmen attacking Ladon.
 
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Added August 21, 2009
 


LEGO models my own creation MOCpages toys shop Ladon joining the brotherhood


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