In the interest of posterity, I have decided to consolidate all DAN updates on one thread. For those who have trouble sleeping after declaring attacks, this collection of hackneyed pseudo-journalistic hyperbola should provide some relief. Now read these yellowing pages by flickering the light of your tallow candles!
Re-post from ON or ABOUT 7 JUNE.
THE FOLLOWING IS A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE...
Date line Kansas. The military forces of four young nations are now active on the surface of our rapidly shrinking planet. Australia, North America, Eurasia, and Africa are all sites of furious military activity. Young men are training, and the gears of great machines are slowly creaking back to life. Smoke from long idle factories is blacking the skies over these distant lands. The still of the night is slowly filling with the low growl of steal predators.
Many of the world’s peoples look on with fear. How long before the smoke of industry is replaced with the smoke of war? With only four titans stepping up to rule, who will protect the rest of the world from their insatiable hunger? Who will lead them in war and guard them from the catastrophe? Or will these four titans turn the world into their own playground? Trampling the vast majority of humanity beneath some grotesque gargantuan rugby match?
MOCpages time is the new “Zulu Time”. According to the atomic chronograph located deep in the MOCpages command bunker, there are only 3.5 hours remaining in this day. After this day ends, the next opportunity to declare an attack (to include territories for founding your nation) will be NEXT FRIDAY (7 June). Until then, new commanders may join, and they may post in the ORBAT. But the attack thread will be locked, not to be unlocked until the 7th.
The titans who are already standing will be capturing their 2nd territories next FRIDAY. Post your squads tonight, and stake your claim in the attack thread before midnight 31 MAY MOCpages time. Or play “Catch up” with the devil on the 7th…
THIS HAS BEEN A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE… Permalink
Re-post from ON or ABOUT 14 JUNE
THE FOLLOWING IS A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE.
Date Line Earth. Exactly 7 days after the first wave of attacks shattered the peace on nearly every continent, a second wave of industrial violence ripped across our small planet. Every continent on earth now trembles beneath marching boots. Soldiers from 22 nations have now been mobilized. Experts agree, this is the beginning of a conflagration which will start to consume entire nations in the weeks ahead. Even as the smoke of a thousand factories blots out the sun, nations are banding together into large power blocks, desperate to secure their future in the safety of numbers.
The 7th day of June, 2013. The day the generals of the world are now calling AW 2 (for attack window number 2) proved to be eventful day indeed.
Eight nations have doubled in size.
More than 8 new nations have emerged to send troops marching towards distant horizons.
Several nations were caught unprepared by the sudden arrival of Friday (hidden as it was, behind Thursday this week). These nations stumbled as they marched, missing the opportunity to expand. The South African Task Force and the Fourth Reich, both members of the much acclaimed GWC will no doubt be ready to storm the gates of competence and achieve positive national growth in time for the next Attack Window on 14 June 2013.
Against the backdrop of scrambling nations and rising battle flags, two nations stood against the tide of expansion, astounding the world with their restraint. Neither United Ninja nor the Federal European Nation States declared attacks during this window. United Ninja is a mysterious nation, steeped in the wisdom of the Far East. As for FENS, this nation is the most powerful nation in the GWC. Early two week ago, the GWC was labeled my many observers as the most powerful TO in the world. Three of the GWCs most outspoken generals have forgone attacks in this window, and now many analysts speculate that the GWC is in fact perusing a policy of “Crypto-Non-Aggression” (or hidden non aggression). Peace activists have praised this Treaty organization for its emergent strategy on non-expansion. However, others argue that this is actually the result of poor internal coordination and may indicate a rift within this rhetorically aggressive cabal.
One of the newer nations, the Eastern Pyrenees Command, engaged in what can only be described as a major diplomatic offensive. Their commander, the enigmatic General Electric, has established himself as an aggressive and effective yellow head producer. Few debate this general’s ability to maximize yellow head power for himself and his allies. But many human rights activists call his methods mercenary and manipulative. Regardless, most analysts agree, General Electric has emerged as an opinion leader in the diplomatic field, and his focus is unarguably strategic in nature.
This just in from the Economics Desk: Global military production continues to increase at an astounding rate. There are currently 79 individual military MOCs in the pool, all of which were built specifically for this war. The Global Exchange has yet to calculate their total yellow head value, but it is thought to exceed 200.
Two headlines from the Science Desk tonight: First, The global population is also still growing at rates beyond that predicted by DAS. 6 members joined DA in the last 48 hours, bringing the total population to 55.
And we close this broadcast with this astounding second fact from the Science Desk. We all know that Pluto is no longer a planet… but did you know that Antarctica is no longer a cotenant? Well, it’s true. Apparently, the tramp of the army of the United Polar Kingdoms boots has broken off so much ice from the bottom of the world, that the 7th continent is now simply an island at the bottom of the world. The newly classified island now affords that nation two opportunities for expansion. Even in these dark times, we continue to lean new and exciting things about this, our home.
THIS HAS BEEN A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE Permalink
THE FOLLOWING IS A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE
Dateline Everytown. A man has been seen in the market square for the last three weeks, wearing a sandwich board sign proclaiming “The end is near.” He was found dead this morning. Cause of death: Murder. The culprit: Humanity. The Weapon: War.
Citizens of the world awoke on the morning of JUNE 17th for the third straight week, to a world grown warmer, darker, and more crowded . The smoke of industry now mingles with that of burning cities. Soil, for so long dusted with pot ash, has now been salted by legions who passed in the night. The rooster is silent and pensive. Today, even the bees fly faster and closer to the ground.
The 17th day of June 2013 marks the dawn of a new age. A dark and savage age. The fear of impending war has given way to the act itself. The world has passed from doom impending, to doom advancing. And just like the map seen in the beginning of the TV show Bonanza… the flames of that war are spreading rapidly.
During AW3, global peace officially ended as the forces of the Eastern Pyrenees Command under General Electric launched the so called “Achintya Prasad” Campaign . The lightning attack succeded in the capture of the Middle Australian Empires home territory. Reports are sporadic, but the MAE commander is rumored to be in a state of emotional denial, and is apparently vacationing in another group while the EPC readies its forces for a follow on attack.
About 8 inches to the left, and 6 inches up, in North America the tranquility of the great northern wilderness was shattered, and two nations launched coordinated attacks against the Maritime Coalition. The forces of the Colorado Confederacy under General Calidonia, and of Glomshire under General Price waited until General Ravenchist had exhausted his attack option and then pounced with predatory savagery! To the astonishment of all, the Maritime Alliance, by virtue of it’s membership in the treaty organization known as “the Strategists” was able to rebuff both attacks. As a result of this opening battle, The Confederacy finds geographically boxed in, and unable to expand any further, while and Glomshire will be in a race to absorb the last of its adjacent white territories in this upcoming attack window.
In almost every corner of the globe, other smaller troop movements continue. White territories, once the most common type of territory on earth are rapidly disappearing. Experts predict that the last of the unoccupied territories may vanish from the continents in the next 21 days. Several such territories may remain in the sea for some time however.
But one thing is certain. In the land, the sea, and the sky, wars long shadow now obscures the sun. A national leaders competency and spirit now determines how much time any nation has left.
THAT CONCLUDES THIS DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE. WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCASTS
TRANSMISSION ENDS… Permalink
Another day ends. The sun tracks low in the western sky. Its rays falling in heavy red beams after burning through layers of thick oily smoke and dust. Distant train whistles blow. Grim faced, equipment laden men climb in and out of transports of every shape size and mode. Exhausted workers gather up their tools and shuffle out of massive military construction sites. They go home to worried wives and hungry children. They go home to eat meals of stale bread and thin soup. Home to listen to state information broadcasts in dimly lit basements and cellars. Home they go, and without delay. The pubs are closed, their windows shuttered. No darts tonight. No beer. No laughter. Merely murmured goodbyes and curt nods. They pull their caps low over their eyes and hurry on their way. Only scant hours remain before AW4. The dark time when nations stir… and feed.
With each successive AW, experts have tracked increases in the number of nations mobilizing forces, the number of attacks, the number of weapons used, and in the scale of those attacks. These Attack Windows are no longer a time when nations scramble for positions of advantage in anticipation of future conflict. As of AW3, they are now a time of open war. Neutral white territories are no longer universal targets. The more developed nations are fielding forces with advanced capabilities. These veteran forces now stalk larger quarry. Cities have begun to burn and citizens of every race, creed, and culture feel the eyes of the wolf upon them.
The vast wilderness of North America have become a hotbed of violence. New nations have arisen out of the arctic wastes, and they will no doubt be moving south in search of lands and room to grow. The Maritime Coalition, recently awakened to threats closer than it imagined now looks to its southern frontiers with a renewed and dourer vigilance. Will this nation march south? Can they? Or will they continue to grow in size and strength, only to visit vengeance upon their American brethren later… at a time of their choosing?
Central Africa, once a vast unbroken chain of exploitable options has grown crowded and angry. Generals there posture and cast aspersions at one another. The enigmatic General Deus, of the People's Republic of Glasnoprd has watched the continents population grow rapidly around his nation. His nation currently borders three other nations, and will probably border four by the end of AW4. How long can this pressure continue to build before that tropical region is awash in the blood of nations? And what of the silent giant… commander of the forces of the Moto Moto Republic: General Shifu? The Buda of Bacon… How long before the world witnesses the true power of the much acclaimed Moto Moto Boom Boom main battle tank? When will his tanks at last leave the motor pools and cross a foreign border? Africa awaits this inevitable hickory smoke flavored blitzkrieg in silent dread.
In Europe, All eyes fall on General Squid. The commander in the Federal European Nation States, was pivotal in establishing the Global War Coalition as the world’s first intercontinental treaty organization. But since that time, this commander has fallen almost silent. His allies in the GWC have displayed a commitment to national growth that experts describe as “Less than explosive”. And yet… quietly… and discreetly… the GWC has swollen in size to include eight members. To what end is this highly secretive organization working? And after Iberia falls to “The Iron Mollusk”? What then? The Sahara? And what of the GWCs northern flank? The lonely and isolated nation of the Fourth Reich? With no room to grow, and no capability to establish colonies overseas what role will this “Angry Gene in a Bottle” play? Meanwhile at the opposite end of the GWCs truly global reach, General Marshall no doubt prepares to march again. But will he return to the site of his recent military mis-adventure, or will he thrust west this time.
And in the distant South Pacific, the world watches in silent thrall as the leader and spokesman of the massive 2nd Turn Alliance, General Electric, conducts the systematic dismemberment and consumption of the world’s second oldest nation. The Middle Australian Empire, reduced in size by half during AW3 is about to be extinguished. That beleaguered nations commander, General Ian has issued no statement what so ever. It is believed he has already fled the country and is now vacationing in the Riviera. Like Nero, he seems content to fiddle while his home burns.
AW4 will see the founding of still more nations. It seems that there are yet people in the world who will not be cowed. Not submit to the notion of merely watching as others rip the world to tatters. There are yet leaders who will, in the shadow of calamity, stitch together a banner and gather so many lost souls to their cause. Who will stake a claim, and take a stand, and shout in the face of the devil. Who seem intent on snatching victory from the jaws of certain death or at least permanent disfigment and perhaps even persistent rashes.
On 31 OCTOBER of 2013, the guns will fall silent and the smoke will blow clean from the skies. One nation will have emerged from the maelstrom and establish its primacy. The rest will be reduced to ash and sun bleached bone.
The citizens of the world watch and wait. They wonder if their general will decide the fate of their nation…or if that same general will leave their fate to be decided by generals and soldiers marching under foreign standards.
The earth now trembles under countless marching boots. AW4 is almost upon us.
THIS HAS BEEN A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE.
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCAST.
TRANSMISSION ENDS… Permalink
Peace Activist claim victory in their global war on war! With only 6 hours remaining in AW4, peace activists are pointing to indicators that the world has passed the high water mark for violence, and that war is in fact itself in retreat. 13 Generals, have stayed their hands so far, and have not declared attacks in AW4. Leading scholars from such diverse fields as “never ever fighting”, “wishful thinking”, and “interpretive dance” are rallying in cities that are not burning tonight, around the world, to demonstrate their support for those generals who they call the “Champions of Peace.” Reports are coming in from across the globe tonight.
In North America, a peace activist group calling itself “We hate options” took to the streets of the Colorado Confederacy early this morning in spontaneous celebration when news leaked that the military of that nation had literally NO viable attack options. Instead the military of that nation will pursue several projects focused on R&D and possibly vocational training for large numbers of soldiers who experts describe as “all dressed up with no place to attack”.
In Scandinavia, crowds of disbelieving citizens watch as soldiers and tanks of the Fourth Reich literally bounced off of the protective shield blocking to the boarder crossing points with the People's Republic of Tyranny. Apparently the that nations treaty alliance, known as 2TA is so strong, that it stops bullets in flight, causing them to hang, suspended in the air. One peacenik hippy in the crowd of Fourth Reich citizens was quoted as saying “Wow man! It’s like… Peace! Rubbery invisible peace… It’s awesome!”
But it’s not all wine and roses for the pacifists of the world tonight. We turn now to The People's DeMOCratic Republic of Bagunga. Early in the pre-dawn darkness of Tierra Del Fuego, the Argentine peace activist and famed poet, Franciscono puede Nadar was rousted from his villa by angry locals and thrown from a fishing pier into the icy waters of the South Atlantic. Apparently the local citizens were angered by his recent editorial in the town paper entitled: Why I love being friends with the Union of Democratic Republics. After dispersing beneath the icy waters, the acclaimed poet was unavailable for comment.
And finaly, we turn to Australia. This morning, DAN was able to reach Richard Winerbaby, the CEO of the world famous Northern Australia based peace organization: Share Hope Each and Every Person. SHEEP CEO has been an outspoken critic of what it calls the tragic and entirely unnecessary militarization of the global economy in recent years. In his recent New York Times Best Seller book: “Bahh Bahh Peace Bahhh” Winerbaby explains that placing ones faith in weapons and Generals only feeds the power of a domestic military industrial complex which he describes as a massive vampire feeding on the blood of the living. DAN reporter Dean Venture was conducting a phone interview with Winerbaby early this morning, when the SHEEP CEO offered this interesting insight right before the connection was lost: “Oh god, can you hear me? Get me out of here… they move so fast even in the dark… they just keep killing and moving and killing and moving! Their guns are so quiet! How do they even do that? Oh god I can hear them talking on their radios… their eyes… they look like ghouls with guns! Please you have to…” Our interview was cut short as all phone and internet connections with the Middle Australian Empire was suddenly lost. Several minutes later, we received an email form Colonel Scald, an officer serving in the public information directorate of the Eastern Pyrenees Command, in which he stated that his country was distressed by the possibility of some catastrophe in their neighboring country the MAE, and he assured us that the EPC would re-establish communications there as soon as possible and let us know the situation.
Is it peace in our time? Experts disagree. So many signals, so many changes. AT4 is still open. Cast your vote, or cast your aspersions.
Like troops on the advance…Time marches on.
THIS HAS BEEN A DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE.
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCASTS.
TRANSMISSION ENDS… Permalink
We are talking to retired General Aqueous Cobalt, the former commander of the now disbanded militant ecological group known as The Equatorial Equalizers. I’m Bec De’Corban and your watching WORL WATCH!
General Cobalt, thank you for joining us tonight.
Thank you Bec. I’ve been watching the show for years, and I have to tell you, I’m very excited to be here.
Well then you know how this works. Let’s get to it!
Yea man, lets do it!
General Cobalt… Colorado.
I love it Bec. It’s beautiful.
It certainly is, General… but is war beautiful?
What? No way Bec. War sucks!
Yes, that is so true general. But WORLD WATCH! has reason to believe that the Colorado Confederacy is in the midst of a savage civil war. What is your take on the situation?
I don't know man. What “reason to believe?”
Hey, don’t be sorry Bec, unless you started it! Ha ha! But for real Bec... What “reasons” to believe do you have? What makes you think there is a civil war going on?
Well General… surly you have seen the reports from GINN, the gunfire, the refugees…
Ohhh! no way Bec! You’re just going off of what GINN tells you? You don’t have like, I don’t know, a guy on the ground with a sat phone? Or… some cool pictures from some shady government official who you bribed, or maybe some cool environmental indicators… like massive clouds of smoke from burning crops and cities?
Well no... but WORLD WA...
Hold on Bec! Hold on! No independent verification at all? Man Bec! Don’t you know? The MAN in Colorado owns GINN. Heck Bec! The MAN owns the media. The media is the MANs priviate megaphone Bec! Why am I telling you! You know this! YOU work for the MAN! Let me tell you something Bec, because I’m a big fan, and I love this show and all. Bec…The MAN lies! The MAN lies Bec. Those Colorado Whack Jobs up there… Man Bec… They just WANT you to be all agitated and curious about some phantom civil war… so that you are distracted from some massive NEW PLAN. See Bec, I fought the MAN for three decades in TEE. And in all that time, if I learned one thing it's this: the MAN always has a PLAN. And when he springs it… BAM! Know what I mean when I say BAM Bec? BAM! Suddenly you’re on the wrong side of the man’s plan. The WRONG side Bec. WRONGO!
So… General, you say this is all some sort of massive disinformation campaign. A ruse of some sort by the Colorado Confederacy?
There you have it ladies and gentlemen. I’m Bec De’Corbin and we have been talking tonight with General Aqueous Cobalt. Thank you for joining us for tonight’s edition of WORLD WATCH! Permalink
This is NEWS BITES! A collection of today’s leading stories from across the DAN Global network…
WORLD POPULATION REACHES 72! Scientists have concluded that after 4 weeks of what they are calling a “Saw tooth” growth pattern, the world population has reached an astounding 72! One scientist who spoke to us by the vending machine in front of a gas station said this: “It’s a lot, but most of them are inactive. Spectators mostly. They won’t mobilize or even pro-create. They are biologically inert. Another said: “Coke Black was absurd… it tasted like dirty dirty water!” Most scientists agree that before 31 OCT 2013, the global population will definitely increase or decrease, or perhaps even both.
34 NATIONS CURRENTLY REPRESENTED ON THE ORBAT. Yes, the Order of Battle or ORBAT as DAS calls it, now lists 34 nations. Leading mid day talk show host Bartleby T. Scrivener observed that it would be 35, but one nation has already been ransacked and eaten. Being listed on the ORBAT is not the same as having a nation, and in recent AWs, Generals have proven to the world that the transition from ORBAT to “Map-hood” can, like adolescents, prove painful and embarrassing, but in the long run seems to be worth it!
5 NATIONS IN THE VICTORY OR STAGNATION CLUB. Small nations who are no longer next to any unclaimed territories. For many, the road to national growth seems to be a dead end. With economies that will not support sea born campaigns, and neighbors who are “Treatied Up” these small nations face an outlook that is not unlike the prospect of waiting… a long time… for some ill-defined event… that will have to be magic… in order to help them grow. Still, some are re-tooling, and fielding larger, better offensive MOCs in the hope of hacking, biting, and fighting their way out of their strategic doldrums. One general we spoke to threatened us… so we got out of our van and beat him up… because he was from a tiny little country and he could not stop us. Then we took his lunch money.
41 NEUTRAL TERRITORIES REMAINING. The so called White Territories are vanishing quickly. Scientists are alarmed at the rate this habitat is being destroyed. For albino creatures from across the animal kingdom this rapid colorization of the globe could mark the end of what one white elephant called “the salad years.”
ZERO GROWTH LOOMS IN NORTH AMERICAS AS LAST WILDERNESS TERRITORY IS UP FOR GRABS. Bird song fills the air, and flowers are in full bloom in NA14. Nearby, a team from the Mega-corp Disney INC films yet another less than enchanting documentary about the life of some non-descript quadri-pedal mammal as he hustles busily about his seasonal chores… and narrowly avoids some wily y old predators! It’s Torka the Otter IV, The Awakening! But across this last patch of the great North American wilderness, other predators watch one another. Troops seethe and roil behind the mountains that mark the front tears of this land. To the seismically attuned, the signs are unmistakable. Large mechanized forces are on the move nearby. Watch out Torka! Come winter, any soldier stationed here will kill for a beaver fur hat.
ALL QUIET ON THE SOUTHERN FRONT. Experts agree. The controversial and enigmatic General Electric, leader of the first military campaign to exterminate another nation, has literally one single option during AW6. His only possible objective: P14. An analysis reveals that in addition to being the only option, this attack secures two additional benefits. First, it will mark the emergence of the worlds first “Continental Nation.” Second, it will provide this nation with it’s third coastal territory. This is the last barrier between this aggressive power and the rest of the world. After General Electric’s forces become sea mobile, experts agree, the nation will embark on a period of relatively unopposed rapid expansion.
FENS SEA BORN OPERATIONS IMMINENT! In the ancient world, it was the British Navy alone that kept both Napoleon and that angry Austrian fellow confined to continental Europe and northern Africa. No such force stands in the path of General Squid, commanding the forces of the FENS. But for this European power, sea born offensive operations are not an option… they are a requirement. There is literally no territory the FENS are in a position to occupy without crossing water. And unlike the forces of General Electric, the FENS are all but ready now. Experts predict that by the time of AW6, military transports will join their already impressive fleet of battleships. Although the FENS fleet range is currently fairly limited, the potential for growth within their fleets deployment range is substantial.
IMPLICATIONS OF CIVIL WAR IN COLORADO CONFEDERACY REMAIN UNCLEAR. Experts agree that something is happening in the Colorado Confederacy. But the significance of a civil war, in a territory with only one territory. Spanky Bottoms, the guy who works at the gas station where we spoke to the scientists in the first story put it best: “Well… So what? It’s not like anything is going to make them suddenly bust the map wide open right?” At least three experts agree with Spanky. He’s a good guy. Go easy on him.
This is NEWS BITES! A collection of today’s leading stories from across the DAN Global network…
GLOBAL FUN PRODUCTION IN DECLINE! Mickey Mouse, Chuckey Cheese, and the Super Mario Bros have all publically stated that the Global Fun Production rate (GFP) is dropping and that this fact makes them all very sad. The group of highly visible spokesmen spoke before a special investigatory committee at The Hague late last night. Mickey Mouse, a veteran of numerous GFP campaigns and an ardent Rodent Rights activist stated that if the world became any darker, that bi-pedal primates would begin to feed upon one another, as quadra-pedal rodents have been doing for countless generations. Fellow rodent Chuckey Cheese added that with the cost of high fructose corn syrup and white flower increasing, his company would soon be forced to stop serving quasi-edible food, and switch to the production of plastic fruit for use in furniture show rooms. The Super Mario Bros added that with human rights abuses running unchecked in much of the world, a global blood bath was not only inevitable, but richly disserved. The two plumbers further stated that after such an event, the world will return once more to the benevolent dictatorship of the proletariat. The remarks, delivered in English, were met with indifference by the investigatory committee, as most of its members speak only Dutch. Several children who had been hoping to meet the beloved commercial icons were emotionally traumatized, and had to be sedated.
DROP IN GFP DRIVES DECLINE IN WORLD POPULATION! Just 13 days after reaching its high point of 72, the world population has plummeted to 64. Scientists and economists generally agree that the drop in population is linked to a concurrent decrease GFP. DAN corresponded Joe Talkinghead conducted a pool side interview with supposed expert and sausage magnate, Jimmy Dean. Mr. Dean stated “Well now see, it’s like this…Folks just don’t want to… meet … and you know… couple… produce fertile off spring… in a world that’s drunk on kill’n, burn’n, and war’n… Hey, y’all want some more sausage?” Another prevalent theory is that many of the late comers to the world scene have been brutalized by a world government that is perceived as cruel and machine like. It is a known fact that the DAN World Government actually put one unruly citizen down for what it called “The Public Welfare”. Other late comers may have seen this as an insufferable encroachment on human rights, and in protest they “Offed” themselves. Facts remain scarce, but one thing seems clear: The world population will continue to decline.
WHITE IS THE NEW GOLD! 15 unclaimed territories remain on the map. According to a nameless, no talent, fact maker upper from the office of Why Are You Even Reading This, of the 33 nations currently on the world map, only about 35% can reach any of these spaces. The same schlep stated that of that 35% only about half could reach more than one. The fact maker uppers mom added that in light of the prevalent belief that attack was “impossible”, the distribution of these last few remaining white territories could very well determine the FATE OF THE WORLD. Several witnesses attested to the fact, that while uttering these last three words, the fact maker uppers mothers eyes did in fact bug out, and the rumble of thunder was heard in the distance. DAN subsidiary WORLD WATCH! has contacted Garth Brooks and that source was able to confirm that at that time, thunder did in fact roll.
CENTRAL ASIA IN TURMOIL! The world’s largest nation, the “Alliance of Military Nations” was savaged during AW6 last week. According to our expert staff of military analysts, the attack was obviously premeditated and according to one guy: “very attackish”. DAN caught one of the aggressors, General Barrett, coming out of an organic food store where he had just purchased some Bock Choi. He refused to comment in detail, but did tell us that having recently eaten so much meat, he was now looking to increase his vegetable intake… at least until AW7. We spoke briefly with another of the attackers, General Bacca while he sipped Chi in a bistro in down town Deli. Although the Chi was quite good, all DAN could get out of the general was: “ This is good tea yo! Bacca! Lord of Battle!” It seems highly probable that the nation was attacked due to it’s large land borders and numerous neighbors. DAN wanted to interview General Sniper, commander of the forces of the Peoples Republic of Tyranny and ask him about our theory, but he declined our request for an interview.
GLOBAL ATTENTION SPAN EXHAUSTED! If your still reading… then this story does not pertain to you. It only pertains to the people who have already stopped reading. Ironic isn’t it? A story that will never reach the people it affects the most. Makes you think about the cruelty and chaos that is so much a part of everyday life. Huh. By the way, how about those 225 MOCs and those 2094 comments? That’s what I’m talking about… Yo! You guys all rock. I am having a lot of fun riding roughshod over this pack of howling hooligans. I really want to thank each and every one of you for all you have put into this game so far, and all you will do before it reaches its end in 17 weeks (except for Mr. Goldman… I don’t want to thank him… he’s mean… and he calls me a bumbler). Again, you guys all rock. Attack!
MILITARY AMBITION STYMIED IN FACE OF SO CALLED TACTICAL CULMINATION!
Attack Window 7 looms scant hours from now. While acknowledging the inevitability of a spasm of violence, many strategic analysts are predicting a sharp decrease in the total number of attacks around the world. There seem to be several contributing factors supporting this predicted reduction in violence. But the single largest contributing factor seems to be a phenomenon called “Tactical Culmination.”
This term is used to describe the situation in which a commander is literally unable to identify any viable attack options. Many nations are in the words of one angry guy… “Boxed in tight.” They may lack the coastal territories needed to employ sea power. They may lack the geographic options to attack anybody except their allies. They may lack the offensive power to attack and win. Or as is usually the case, several of these limitations apply at once. The result is unavoidable: Inactivity.
Dr. Edgar Whynot, of the DA office of non-scientific and unsupported opinion offered us this explanation: Tactical Culmination is not always a physical or mathematical reality. It is often the result of highly subjective perceptions. Commanders will see that they are incapable of independent attack and victory, and will often not even attempt to coordinate with other commanders in the same predicament. But some few will… and these few, will decide the landscape of the next phase in global strategic development.
15 white territories remain on the map. This is an amount of land that could easily determine the outcome of the game. With all but two of those being islands, capturing the other 13 will be possible only for commanders who have taken the time to accumulate coastal territories and developed capable fleets. It seems that the use of these fleets will prove crucial in the next three AWs. Current estimates place all white territories under national control in 21 days.
Dr. Whynot further opined that the net impact of all of these factors will be sufficient to “Emotionally Concuss” many generals, resulting in a complete withdrawal form the struggle. When victory “Seems” likely, then emotional investment is high, and activity, such as communication and MOC posting is also high. When victory “Seems” less likely, then, in order to protect fragile egos, many generals emotionally disconnect from the contest. This is a trend that will increase as we approach END DAY (31 OCT 2013). As more and more generals disengage, old MOCs will remain un-improved. TO membership will stabilize, then stagnate and eventually crystallize. Most of the world’s commanders will have achieved a level of safety to make their destruction unlikely. But Dr. Whynot points out: “This is an artificial End Game… and it is not relevant to winning.”
Inactive generals will pool and crystallize in TOs that are large enough and strong enough as to make it unlikely they will be annihilated before the end of the game. But victory is not achieved merely by surviving. “Survival is not enough to win” Says Whynot. “ A stubborn, growth focused general… A cactus style general if you will… need only to gain more territories than any other player on the map in order to win. Smashing the crystallized TOs, and consuming the sleeping generals within… however attractive an option that might be… is not a necessary step for winning!”
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING. Permalink
GLOBAL PEACE ACTIVISTS REJOICE AFTER ANNOUNCEMENT OF TACTICAL CULMINATION!
Euphoria rained this afternoon in the offices of peace activists around the world, following the publication of Dr. Whynots thesis on the phenomenon that seems to be stifeling attacks on the eve of AW7.
Why all the hubbub Bub? Well, here are some of the points of Dr. Whynots paper that the peaceniks were so tickled to read:
The current global forecast for international conflict reads thusly:
After the next three AWs, the gap between the top four generals and the rest of the world will be much greater than it is today.
The number of attacks will rapidly diminish.
The aggregate activity level across DA will rapidly diminish.
International communications on the DA global network will continue to diminish.
Cross talk within the commo-sphere of individual TOs will continue to diminish.
Mr. Goldmans mom has no bearing on this discussion. What’s wrong with you?
The number of generals who continue to grow will drop sharply starting in AW 7, and within 2 AWs that number will drop as low as TWO or THREE.
Unless prodded to do so, generals who laps into inactivity will not leave the map or the group. Nor will they be encouraged to do so by the DAS.
In AW7, between 5 and 7 nations could gain the ability to attack across TWO sea zones in one turn.
In AW7 the same number of countries will gain the ability to declare TWO attacks at once.
Both of these factor will speed the elimination of all remaining White Territories. Additionally, it will expose most countries to an increased number of possible attackers.
Despite these developments, all of which should contribute to increased aggression, the very real and persistent tranquilizing affects of the TOs, will continue to dominate strategic action, reducing the number of attacks to lower and lower numbers with each passing AW.
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING.
This is NEWS BITES! A collection of today’s leading stories from across the DAN Global network…
Dateline Chaos! WHITE PLAGUE SILENCES SOUTH PACIFIC! The southern pacific has been plunged into complete silence, but satellite imaging confirms that it has turned white! The last news from the region was that the forces of the mysterious and often cranky General Electric had completely occupied the territories of the former Middle Australian Empire, and that he was on the brink of launching a campaign of conquest in the islands surrounding Australia. We spoke to General Ian, former commander of the MAE. He said this: “Huh? Can I restart there now that the bad man is gone?” In a gesture that many theatrical experts are describing as an “Emotional Crescendo” General Electric suddenly and without warning disbanded the most powerful treaty organization on earth, the 2nd Turn Alliance, and actually awakened at least three diplomats from their sleep for several hours. After sporadic angry rhetoric, the treaty founder and acclaimed general vanished from MOCpages. Lenard Nemoy, has publicly stated that the general has joined two other gentlemen (a Mr. Melbey and a Mr. Barlow) at an undisclosed base, in an inert volcano. We spoke briefly with well-known super villain “The Monarch” and he agrees that this scenario best fits the known facts of the matter. General Electric, former commander of the Eastern Pyrenees Command was also famous for his so called “Achintya Prasad” Campaign. The campaign marked the first ever, mauling and eventual destruction of one nation by another. While his whereabouts and his motives may never be known to the rest of the world, one thing is certain. He has left in his wake a priceless and game shifting legacy: 7 white territories, all up for grabs.
NOKIA UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. Finland based Nokia phones has announced that their headquarters is on fire, and that when they get it extinguished, they will be resuming the sale of their popular cell phones under new management. One corporate executive who spoke to us on the condition of a small bribe told us that before the fire, working in Scandinavia was like trying to do business under a giant red fist!
IBERIA LIBERATED! Spaniards and Portuguese citizens danced in the streets across the peninsula until the sun arose in celebration of the liberation of that region from the famously oppressive FENS. The liberating forces from the Republic of Moto Moto were busy trying to find parking spaces large enough to accommodate their famous Moto Moto Boom Boom main battle tanks. Pork Belly shares are soaring on the European exchanges.
IBERIA FALLS! Portuguese and Spanish refugees clogged the streets across the peninsula in the pre-dawn darkness, in flight following the occupation of that region by the famously oppressive Republic of Moto Moto . The deposed forces of the FENS were busy trying to find gas for their famous Manticore main battle tanks. Pork Belly shares are soaring on the European exchanges.
GENERAL ALMIGHTY DECLARES IN SPEECH: “OUR WAR WILL END IN EA38… OR P4!” In an impassioned speech given at the opening of a Wal-Mart at 5th and Main, General Almighty of the Union of East Asia told a group of impatient citizen shoppers: “The villains may have robbed us of several other territories, but they will take nothing more from us after EA38 or maybe P4! After that… the forces of the aggressor will get nothing from the UEA! They will have to look else ware for continued growth!”
This is NEWS BITES! A collection of headlines from across the DAN global network!
CULTURAL REVOLUTION SWEEPS CENTRAL EUROPE! Under the shadow of occupation by the forces of the Eastern Greco-Roman Dictatorial Republic, stained glass and marble are quickly being replaced with pastels and neon translucent elements. We spoke to Cornelius Eurofella, the owner of a small taxidermy shop in the German town of Deutchberg. After we purchased a dried shrew filled with saw dust, the reticent Goth agreed to share some of his opinions regarding the occupying regime. “As a people, they seem to be fixated on bright colors and unlikely shapes” said Eurofella. Yesterday, I tried to see one of these EGRDR commanders a stuffed bobcat. It was a really great bit of work, up on its hind legs, reaching for a bird in flight. It was what I like to call a two-fer… because it’s really two animals… not just the one. You understand? In the end, the Captain would only consider the purchase after I had painted the entire assembly with florescent green spray paint. Even then, this Captain haggled about the price! I don’t like them! There ways are strange to us!” Lego palm fronds are in high demand, as the new government is festooning statues and traffic lights across the region with these elements.
INTERNET STILL PERCEIVED AS SLOW IN COLORADO. After several mysterious internal power struggles and at least one dance rave, the war torn nation of the Colorado Constitutional Republic remains an enigma to many global strategy experts. The nation seems locked into the one territory paradigm along with their neighbor to the south: Spearman Land. Of course, Spearman Lands membership in the massive TO STUDS has provided the otherwise unremarkable nation with unnatural longevity. Many diplomatic observers wonder if it would not be advantageous for the CCR to lobby for Spearman Lands ejection from that TO, as an overture to attack. The two nations are completely immobile, like two tiny scorpions, locked in amber… waiting for outside influences to shatter the mineral prison that surrounds them. Perhaps the long silent General Price, will prove to be the hammer that resolves this back water deadlock. Experts agree however, that despite the availability of several attractive service plans, the internet in both NA10 and NA13 remains vexingly slow.
GLOBAL POPULATION INCREASING DESPITE REDUCTIONS IN GLOBAL HAPPINESS. Global Population experts are baffled by the slow and continuous growth of the planets population. In late June, the global population reached its high point of 72, and in the two calamitous weeks that followed, that number fell to a really not much lower total of 64. One Nobel Prize laureate observed at the time, that 64 was less than 72 by a margin of 8. Repeated efforts to verify this observation have proven consistently successful. Today the global population rose from 67 to 68 (an increase of 1). Dr. Anudder “Duh” Mathguy of the University of Stuff You Already Know speculated that this was probably only 4 less than the all time high. At least three guys from down the hall agree: 72 is within reach and could possibly be reached again before the end of the world on 31 OCT 2013.
AT LEAST TWO NATIONS REACH “STRAT 22” STATUS IN TIME FOR AW 9. DAN military analysts published a report yesterday, which stated that as a direct result of developments in AW8, at least two nations have secured the economic and geographic requirements to cross two sea zones and conduct two separate attacks in one turn. This capability, dubbed “Strat Twenty-two” has been achieved at a crucial moment in the evolution of the global strategic landscape. Retired Iron Reich Admiral, Christof Se’Fuentes observed that one of the Strat 22 nations is in a position to use the capability to sweep through the "White South Pacific" twice as quickly as any nearby competitors. He went on to state that another of the Strat 22 nations can now reach multiple targets in North America, South America, Africa, and Eurasia, or one target on any two of these cotenants, in the same turn. With 12 white territories remaining, and only one of them land locked, this new speed and multiple attack capability could prove the most significant development since the introduction of the sea transport itself. If one of these nations captures just one more territory during AW9, it will secure Strat 33 status: The ability to cross three sea zones and attack three times in one turn. Retired Admiral Se’Fuents concluded by pointing out that it is unlikely most of those who attain this status will be aware of it: “Well, you all know the deal...Nobody likes to actually read the rules… especially these sailor types.”
Scientists agree. Leading members of the Global End of History Society have published a report that states the following: The world will end on 30 SEP 2013. This is one standard month earlier than the date identified by the organization several months ago. The report identified two major factors which contributed to this change.
First, they pointed to huge fluctuations in a little understood phenomenon located just on the other side of the Oort Cloud. The phenomenon is known simply as RJD (This stands for “Rutherford’s Job Description”). The origins of this odd name are lost to contemporary scientists, but Professor Hes’n D’rmee, a leader in the field phrased it thusly : “RJD just keeps growing… we think it is a living document.” Galactic inter-relationologists have long postulated that as RJD grows, other parts of the galaxy (Like our own tiny world) will diminish.
The second reason for the change to the official end of the world date is the arrival of the planet killing rogue comet knows as Brick-Con. Although this is actually a reoccurring event, scientists thought they would to take less flack from an angry public if they labeled the event as “An unforeseen and inescapable event of cataclysmic proportions.” We tried to get statements from the two most prominent members of the DAS: Michael Rutherford and Keith Goldman. Mr. Rutherford’s phone answering machine stated that he was vacationing in the Oort Cloud and would be back on 1 OCT 2013. Mr. Goldman on the other hand did answer his phone, but upon hearing who we were, began pretending to be his own mother, and promised “to pass our questions on to Keith.”
But what does this startling revelation mean to you, the commanders on the ground? We consulted a spiritual medium who put us in direct contact with Walter Cronkite. Cronkite, once identified as the most trusted man in America told us that the criteria for selecting the victor, and the pirze for the same, were both in no danger of changing. The commander who holds the most territories on 30 SEP 2013 WILL BE THE DA VICTOR. The DA VICTOR WILL RECEIVE the promised Lego kit. He also said he was a little sorry about “Calling the game early, with that whole Viet Nam thing.”
The Global End of History Society report has been received with relative indifference by most of the worlds population, with the exception of the Mayans. It is the position of the Mayan End of History Society that history in fact ended promptly at the turn of the millennium, and it is high time the rest of the world came to grips with that fact.
This is NEWS BITES! A collection of headlines from across the DAN global network...
Date Line Earth. Global Treaty Organization system collapses! The refuge of national leaders and the bane of military commanders, the TOs are gone from the global strategic equation. Developed on every continent concurrently with military power and national growth, the TO quickly emerged as the dominant strategic factor in global conflict. The organizations were initially envisioned as a mechanism that would allow small countries to band together and prevent the rapid domination of the world by a small number of powerful nations. Historians may observe that they worked all too well in this capacity. At the end of the era of “Unopposed Expansion” the TOs are credited with preventing the majority of attacks ever declared from succeeding. Many national leaders began to perceive the TO as a system that artificially protected nations that were neither active nor effective in and of themselves. So called “Legitimate Military Expansion” became all but impossible. The global administrative burden created by the TOs, the need to calculate and re-calculate TO numbers for each and every battle proved to be to much for the DAS to support, and a global referendum was held. The vote was overwhelmingly against the TOs, and the system… the single source of restraint in a world craving destruction… The system that was for so long the hope and rallying point of peace activist everywhere… was dismantled and swept into the ashbin of history in a single day. Names like STUDS, The Global War Coalition, the Strategists, and of course the most significant of them all… the Moto Moto Ninja Cops… are now just collections of fading rhetoric and tattered flags. We spoke to one unemployed pot smoking filthy peace activist in Tampa who said it made him feel very sad. Then we punched him, and drove away.
Date Line New Deli. General Baca is still in control of India. You really can’t take this story anywhere. He IS General Baca, and he IS in total control of India. We met him in his New Deli home, and after some tea and some kind of spicy chicken deal… we decided to take his Uzi down to the local farmers market where we weighed it. As per the Generals previous public statements to this effect, the weapon did in fact weigh a ton. When we asked him what the future held for India he shrugged and said they were looking at perhaps attacking General X again. In response to our questions regarding possible upgrades to his ORBAT, the General was thoughtful, and then responded: “My Uzi weighs a ton yo!”
Hippies and Bacon Buddhas seize “Fortress Europa” in jubilant love feast. Mr. Squid, former commanding general of the FENS was a builder and military commander of great significance in the early phases of the global militarization. His skill as a builder placed him quickly at the center of the world’s first international TO (The Global War Coalition). But history tells us a tail of a leader plagued by difficult relations and obsessed with secrecy. The GWC quickly developed a reputation for missing opportunities to expand, and engaging in inflammatory and often damaging rhetoric with it’s neighbors. Mr. Squids uncompromising approach to the notion of a nation being in more than one TO at a time resulted in the departure of that TOs most militarily powerful member, then General Electric (this of course was before he himself retired from public life and subsequently left the planet). The FENS motto “Europe Shall Not Fall” was not being sung from balconies as a parade of Moto Moto Boom Boom MBTs rolled through regional capitols of Eastern Europe, nor was it to be heard as legions of dancers clad in grass skirts and psychedelic unitards employed interpretive dance and conducted workshops on the basics of pottery and finger painting in the streets of Western Europe. In regards to why he abandoned his country, Mr. Squid offered only one short public statement in which stated that he did not do much, and had little time. General Creitori has stated that the former FENS command bunker will be turned into studio for displaying art made exclusively from recycled materials, and General Shifo announced his plan to conduct an extensive census of all porcine animals in the European region. When asked for a comment, the commander in India, General Bacca responded that his Uzi still weighs a ton, before adding “Yo”.
Global Population nears all time high. At 71, the current global population is only 1 short of it’s all time high. Opinions vary between the living room and the kitchen, but most members of the Brady Bunch agree that 71 is only 1 less than 72. In an unrelated event, Bill Bixby stated that he could “totally have played Dr. Banner in that stupid Aggressors movie!” When asked for his opinion vis a vi the global population, he stated that recent surges in Gama Radiation could account for the slow steady growth. He went on to state that the GPN would either exceed 72 before the end of the world, or it would not, but it would definitely be one of the two. You may recall Mr. Bixby from his early work in the smash T.V. show “The Courtship of Eddies Father.” If you do, we are very sorry. We spoke to members an enclave of Hasidic monks living in the tunnels beneath Detroit who claimed to have seen Mr. Bixby in his role at T.V.s “The Magician” . They told us that the show which lasted only half a season was really weak. The enclave leader, known as “Carl” told us: “The whole premise was stupid! A magician who uses his skills in prestidigitation to fight crime? How much can you really do with that? Manimal started with a better premise than that!” He went on to state that the enclave regards it as a given that the global population will reach 73 before the end of the world next month.
International War Industry is reluctant to re-tool. A recent survey of the quality of weapons currently in use in conflicts across the world suggested a very real need for several nations to re-tool their war industry and to field more developed, better built, and more popular weapons. Most of these nations have baulked at the suggestion. They point to the fact that these same weapons have kept them in play for the last 11 AWs, and should therefore be good enough to last until the end of the world. Experts do agree, that most nations in the ORBAT will be armed when the world ends… but they point out, that if nations field lousy military systems, the their world may end sooner than planned. They point to the collapse of the TOs and the fact that the vast majority of most nations defensive strength actually resided in these bloated political machines. In the absence of this defensive leverage, many smaller nations are now reliant on aging stockpiles of “Place Holder” weapons, and often incomplete or lopsided ORBATS. We spoke briefly the famous embodiment of death, the Grim Reaper. The Reaper was in good spirits, having just completed a large annex to his “Well of Souls” storage facility in the underworld. Although he refused to provide specific numbers from his fatality forecast for the upcoming AW, he did say: “OMG DAN guy! It is ON this attack window like you would not believe! I am looking in to several possibilities at the moment, maybe out-sourcing… picking up some seasonal help this year! Maybe even employing an “Un-dead” option if this new annex proves to be a dead end for my short term requirements. There are a lot of options on the slab at the moment, and I can’t afford to pine box myself in. Oh and the global population? You guys might hit 73 before the end of the world, but whatever you hit, I’ll match! I promise!”
THIS IS NEWS BITES! A COLLECTION OF HEADLINES FROM ACROSS THE DAN GLOBAL NETWORK!
WORLD POPULATION RECOVERS AFTER CALAMITOUS COLLAPSE! “The global population has never been higher than it is right now!” The words of Dr. Skinny Intense Guy. Dr. Guy, the key note speaker at last night’s opening ceremony for the annual “Global Population Bla Bla Thing”. The monthly event, held in Akron Ohio, is attended by numerous well dressed people who apparently care. Dr. Guy went on to add: “We used to have 72 people, and then it June it dropped below that, and now we are back up to 72!” We spoke to DAS member Keith Goldman as he was placing an absurd number of shrimp onto his dinner plate. After letting him know he could come back for seconds, he observed: “72 members! Yea baby! One member for each shrimp on my plate! Where’s that red sauce stuff? Ah, there it is!” We also spoke to DAS member Michael Rutherford who offered us this insight: “72 is equal to… what? … 72 I think. So to summarize, if we get one more DA member that will put us at around… uh… 73? 74? Something like that right? I think that is significant because it’s a bigger number. We start breaking new ground only after 72… like all numbers greater than 72 would be NEW numbers for us.” Dr. Guy exploited the gala event as an opportunity to announce his intention to take his research in a new direction. He will be translating his latest academic monologue into a stage play entitled “The Global Population Has Never Been Higher Than it is Right Now, The Play”. For a synopsis of this theatrical event, turn to the “Arts” section of your local DAN weekly.
GLOBAL CLIMATE EXPERTS PREDICT MAELSTROMS OF FIRE AND BLOOD IN THE WEEKS AHEAD. While much of the global climate community is currently engaged in efforts that focus on global warming, a small minority within the community says global warming is a distracter, and that other more pressing climate trends are emerging but remain largely un-observed. This according to Dr. Thulsa Doom, the unofficial spokes person for the group of scientists. Dr. Doom is renowned for his pioneering work in defining previously unsuspected relationships between steel and human flesh. He explained that this group of scientists believe the current focus of climate scientists should be on a phenomenon he and his colleagues call “Maelstroms of fire and blood” or MFB. When pressed for details, Dr. Doom stated: “They will all drown in lakes of blood.” But according to, Dr. Matthias, another prominent member of the rapidly growing MFB group: “the news is not all bad!” In response to our questions regarding the flames that were about to consume all of humanity, Dr. Matthias responded: “Here is the instrument of cleansing, my brethren. And nothing quite cleanses like fire.” Both doctors agreed, the primary cause for the upswing in MFB is the sudden removal of the Treaty Organizations from the international scene. Dr. Doom explained that this factor would result in a rapid and unsustainable increase in the number of small nations being sliced open like rotten sacks of grain, spilling the blood of their citizens into what he described as veritable rivers, which would eventually begin to affect the chemistry of the ocean itself. The conference ended abruptly when Dr. Doom began launching poisonous snakes into the audience of assembled reporters.
This is NEWS BITES! A collection of headlines from across the DAN global network…
WORLD POPULATION REACHES ALL TIME HIGH! After 12 consecutive cycles of armed conflict, numerous catastrophic system based delays, and numerous national defeats, the world population has grown to an all time high of 73. Scientists are baffled by this fact. It runs counter to all DAS forecasts. It was thought that at the approximate midpoint of the exercise, traditional detractors such as boredom, builder fatigue, the contempt that inevitably follows fast on the heels of familiarity, and dismay over the ever darkening strategic outlook for most players would lead not only to a halt in growth, but eventually in a negative growth. There was a population fluctuation in June, which resulted in the departure of approximately 8 DA members. After what scientist have been calling “The SuckyJune event” global population growth was at a standstill for several weeks. Some scientists, to include Dr. Doom, of the MFB group, believe that positive growth was “Jump Started” with the sudden departure of the shadowy warlord of the South Pacific, Mr. Electric. As Dr. Doom put it while speaking to us from behind the glass in the reptile house: “In the wake of Mr. Electrics sudden sabbatical to the sprit realm, the resultant white territories created a fleeting corona of light, drawing several tragically misguided souls into the group. Their young hearts full of ambition and hope… blind disciples in a temple of lies… “He went on and on, but we were busy at the vending machine, and in fact Dr. Doom was still murmuring when we left. We also spoke to Professor Pippin DeSolay, Dean of the department of Dance and Performing arts at some overpriced diploma mill probably on the west coast. Pip as he likes to be called, told us that the arrival of the global population at its current all time high was “scientifically verifiable proof of the indomitable strength and courage of people every ware who choose to live and to be beautiful in at least 73 unique and wonderful ways!” At which point, we bound and gagged Pip and fed him to Dr. Doom. It took two hours for the Dr. to swallow the Professor while a crowed of night shift zoo keepers looked on.
17 NATIONAL COMMANDERS PREPARE FOR ATTACK WINDOW 13. Attack Window 12 saw a record 6 national annihilations. Military analysts classified most of these as “inevitable culling events.” The removal of lesser nations from play as larger powers seek easy victories in pursuit of growth in a zero sum environment. Dr. Stanly Eatsollot, an expert in this stuff phrased it thusly: “Direct conflict between apex predators, while popular in film and fictional literature, is relatively uncommon in nature. Lions grow in size and strength not by eating lions, but by eating gazelle. Lions who seek conflict with other lions frequently suffer ruinous injury and if they survive at all, are usually left at a competitive disadvantage for the rest of their gimpy lives. What we witnessed in AW 12, was a sort of “feeding frenzy” where several large predators are present in the same environment, and active at the same time. But they are all seeking gazelle.” The one exception to this paradigm was the series of coordinated attacks on the forces of General Ravenchist. Ravenchist was a commander of some renown in DA. Considered an apex predator in his own right, he had just fielded two powerful systems defensive systems (Land Defense and Space Power). In spite of these efforts, the forces of the former treaty organization “Primal Steam” conducted a text book coordinated assault, and literally obliterated this powerful nation in one blood soaked 24 hour period. Dr. Eatsallot observed: “Yes… the exception that proves the rule, this sort of predator on predator behavior is rare, and in nature, we normally only see it between giant reptiles fighting in Japanese industrial areas.” While Dr. Doom could not comment as his mouth was still full of Pip, he did nod in agreement upon hearing this comment. When pressed for a prediction regarding the character of AW13, Dr. Eatsallot simply observed: “The gazelle are not extinct, but they are being depleted quickly… I would say AW13 will represent the tipping point in dietary options. At this point, another expert, Dr. Vin Diesel opined: “After 13, we will be looking at the last 10 minutes of “Pitch Black.”
GLOBAL DEFENSE INDUSTRY SHIFTING TOWARDS… DEFENSE! Many of the world’s most powerful nations are fielding defensive systems as end game looms on horizon. Following the establishment of Land Defensive Power, (This being mandated by the DAS global charter) most nations chose to focus on Offensive capabilities. Tanks, Battleships, and Bombers dominated global arms production through the early and intermediate phases of this “Dark Time”. Now, as the final phase of conflict draws near, many of these nations are shifting focus and addressing the need to “Hold Terrain.” Fixed Fortified Positions, long considered an obscure field of endeavor by many nations are becoming increasingly popular. Coastal defense in particular has seen an up tic in activity in recent fielding history. There are of course exceptions. The famed air defense system fielded by General Jones of the Moto Moto republic, and the vaguely remembered coastal defense system fielded by Mr. Electric are both examples of early FFPs that were successful. And indeed, several recent fielding’s involved offensive capabilities (bombers and attack whales in particular). But small watercraft, coastal defense artillery, and trench systems are coming into their own as the world hurtles towards what many are calling “The Ragnarock Phase” of military operations. In the end, most commanders agree, emphasis on any one aspect of military power alone will not avail a nation. Two of the most powerful defensive systems seen so far were fielded by a nation that was occupied and subjugated in AW 12. All nations labor under the same impartial and merciless mathematical tyranny. A tyranny that dictates: in the end, there can be only one.
Breaking news from the DAN Global Telecommunications Desk…
VOLUME OF INTERNATIONAL COMMUNICATIONS PLUMMETS AS END OF WORLD APPROACHES.
DA Global, the world’s largest and most trusted source of information on international communications has released a report stating that communications between nations are at an all time low. While DAG could not state the cause of this with certainty, the report did offer the following, as possible contributing factors:
1. Communication is generally directly proportional to communicators. As more communicators are slaughtered, their potential for communicating is radically reduced. This contentious theory does not account for the fact that most commanders remain in the group after they are killed. The recently deceased General Ravenchist has issued several communiqués which seem to undermine the value of this hypothesis.
2. Commanders have now fully developed and are adhering to their end game strategies. This theory suggests that after 12 rounds of coordinated attacks, that commanders, both allied and independent, are well versed in the battle plan, and simply have nothing more to say. King rountRee GN stated an impertinent observation in rebuttal to this theory. Others experts observe that these commanders have seldom shown the ability to actually coordinate anything.
3. Commanders are fed up with DAS constant cat calling and hooligan like responses to everything they say. Lots of people, to include the receptionist in the tanning salon down the street agreed that this was a highly likely scenario.
4. Competent commanders have long since exported their meaningful dialogues to remote and secure venues. In the recent past, when many commanders of less competency roamed the surface of the planet, they would frequently bark out odd and aggressive utterances… effectively imitating dialogue. Now that they have mostly been eaten by the more competent commanders, the jungle grows quiet. Several roosters and stray dogs stated that they found this theory to be highly pejorative in nature and began crowing and barking wildly at the DAN team.
5. What? Still reading? I salute you… all be it, with some surprise! We are on the verge of yet another attack window. There are not many left, and now, each AW reduces the number of commanders who are truly in the running for victory. I am forced to wonder if Primal Team has not already decided on the victor and is now perusing fulfillment of that decision… I sort of hope not… but they have shown a very high level of solidarity so far. It’s not beyond the realm of consideration that they have already decided on a fate for the world. At any rate, Keith and I are both still enjoying this experiment. I am increasingly confident that my next effort will benefit greatly from all you have taught me, and again, for that, I thank you all!
Review your options. Weigh the risks. Decide on a course of action. And above all… Attack!
This has been a DAG information release. The contents are approved for release to all nations. Permalink
GLOBAL POPULATION SCRATCHES HEAD AFTER DAS SCIENTISTS PROCLAIM: WORLD NOW ENTERING “OTHER TINY PART” OF BELL CURVE.
Speaking at the grand re-opening of the long defunct Hoover Vacuum Factory in Canton Ohio, Professor Goldman explained the current global strategic situation thusly:
“It’s a big bell curve guys... see here at this tiny part? Well that was the first few days of the project, when we did not have many commanders yet. Then comes this big part in the middle see? That is when lots of commanders were all jacking around on the surface of our tiny world, gobbling up white territories, unopposed, and talking about how awesome they were. Well, now most of those wind bags are now dead and feeding the buzzards. We have at last entered this last part of the graph, down here…see? This tiny part represents those few commanders who actually poses the requisite balance of intelligence, aggression, foresight, patients, and grit needed to command, and survive in a pressurized competitive environment. Only Eleven commanders remain. Or as we in the scientific community like to refer to them: “Our Magnificent Eleven!” It is note worthy that their records are by no means “Flawless.” On the contrary, these commanders have almost all suffered setbacks, made errors, been attacked and lost territories, attacked others and been rebuffed… these few remaining commanders have made decisions, many of them wrong, but more importantly, they have shown the ability to learn from errors, and to bounce back from hardship. They are a cunning, artful, determined, scheming, and opportunistic pack of apex predators. Of particular note is the performance of the core group from the TO “Primal Scream”. Even after the official dissolution of the TO system, this group continued to take measures to ensure that whoever eventually dominated the DA world, it would be one of their own. Once that goal was secure however, they fell upon one another with a zeal that can only be described as truly primal in nature.”
Upon completing these remarks, Professor Goldman then turned and cut the large red ribbon with a pair of gigantic scissors as hundreds of balloons were released into the clear blue sky. When asked for his opinion of the new vacuums about to be produced in the ancient factory, the professor responded curtly: “They suck!” Permalink
ANTARCTICA IDENTIFIED AS MOST CONTESTED TERRITORY ON EARTH!
Antarctica, the remote and forbidding frozen island at the bottom of the world. It is virtually devoid of natural resources and home to the bulk of the worlds indigenous Penguin population. And yet, a recent statistical analysis by the Office In Charge of Tracking Contested Territories has concluded that Antarctica is in fact “Icy-Hot!” An intern who watches the phones while the paid members of the staff play golf told us that Antarctica has been controlled by four generals and it enjoys the distinction of being the only territory to have been white twice outside the context of the great “Mr. Electric Brownout.”
He went on to state that Antarctica’s history was a complex conjunction of cultural, environmental, and strategic threads all woven into a magnificent tapestry of epic scale. When asked what he meant by this, he handed us a threefold flyer entitled “Antarctica: The Epic Tapestry of Cultural, Environmental, and Strategic Threads. Here is a summary of that flyer.
At the beginning of AW1, Antarctica, like the rest of the world, was white (Duh).
In AW3 the territory was taken as a starting position by Mr. Haydon. Mr. Haydon’s rule over the 7th continent would last for five AWs. His rule was strategically significant for the isolated territory. He introduced three excellent military systems to the land, and after a successful public information campaign, was able to have the entire land mass downgraded from a continent to a coastal island. Having accomplished this task, the unpredictable ex-general then skipped several opportunities to expand his nation, in the period which historians describe as the Era of Antarctica’s explosive inactivity. His contributions to the territory culminated when, having reached the end of both his attention span, and his creativity, he quit. This action resulted in a previously unseen phenomenon: Re-Whiteificaton. A true pioneer in the field of national failure, Mr. Haydon’s decisive and toxic pout would later provide Mr. Electric with an invaluable template for charting his own mellow dramatic departure from global strategic significance and public life.
Antarctica would remain white until AW 9, when in a stunning triumph over inertia, General McLegofreak would arrive to raise his flag and declare victory in the wake of his un-opposed entry. General McLegofreak, was no stranger to controversy after his notorious rhetorical rampages in South America. Unlike his two greatest detractors (General Hammond and Mr. Electric) General McLegofreak remained in the fight, an active force on the world map, and a dedicated national leader until his violent and honorable military defeat five AWs later (in AW14).
Harp Seals rejoiced as General McLegofreaks jack booted boot prints in the snow were filled by the environmentally altruistic and non-animal product based synthetic leather boot prints of General Lucas’s assault troops. General Lucas would retain control of the territory for only three AWs before being ripped of the land and all associated deeds in AW 17 by none other than General Ninja.
Little is known of this reclusive and silent national leader. He is a founding member of the often overlooked power elite: The Moto Moto Ninja Cops. Although officially defunct like all TOs this shadowy cabal of eclectic leaders is thought to still maintain it’s long term mission focus. Many strategist and fry cooks alike speculate that General Ninja is merely a proxy of the MMNCs most powerful member, General Shifo. Regardless, it is General Ninja who controls the world’s most contested territory following the penultimate AW.
From the white of untapped innocence, to gray of Mr. Haydon’s hollow resolve, to the white of “I quit”, to turquoise of too little too late, to pinkish color of the shocking pink cloud that almost engulfed the entire planet in one AW, to the yellow of… Mmmm… yellow is not a good color for metaphor, so let’s just call it the yellow of General Ninja shall we?
What does the end of the world hold for Antarctica? The intern had gone to the rest room and was unavailable for comment. As the phone rang unanswered, we were left to ruminate. What will the color of this apparently not so remote land be at the end of time… in the weak light of the southern polar dawn… after RAGNOROCK? Permalink
WORLD POISED ON BRINK OF FINAL DECISIVE ACTION. Across the globe, vast industrial complexes are silent. Birds are beginning to nest in their spires of iron and concrete. The seemingly endless stream of munitions that flowed from these plants has not slowed to a trickle… but has stopped all together. The trains that carried countless thousands of tanks to far away battle fields are now rusting in their yards. There are no more shipments scheduled. The workers cafeterias are silent, save the faint dripping of a leaky tap, or the occasional hollow tapping of an unsecure door blowing in the wind. The workers are all gone. They have long since been sent home or more likely, to the front. There is a global realization that any preparations not already complete have already been overcome by the impending events of the next 24 hours. This latest of humanities seasons of folly is drawing to a close. What DAS strategists are calling The Ragnaroc Phase is at hand.
The effects of the last 18 weeks of sustained warfare have left the world in social, financial and ecological ruin. War time industrial efforts which at first provided the global economy with a new vigor and spawned millions of jobs have in time become insatiable fires, consuming all available funds resources, and sapping many global citizens of their very hope for a better tomorrow.
At one time, close to 30 nations covered the earth and now 11 remain. Two thirds of the nations on earth have been obliterated in the fiery tumult. Of the 11 remaining nations, half are regarded as barely viable. The only reason they still exist is because they were only slightly less easy to consume than the hand full of nations beneath them. The few powerful nations at the apex of the international food chain have simply not had the time to eat these smaller nations yet.
Within the most powerful nations, production of new weapons has come to a complete stand still. The entirety of recent history has been dedicated to achieving the starting positions each country occupies at this final attack window opens. This end game is in and of itself what the survivors have created. The conditions, strengths, weaknesses, alliances, grudges… the entire strategic equation… is of their own making. In the next 24 hours, the remaining generals will exploit or suffer the endgame and decide the fate of this tiny world. It might not be the end of the world, but it is certainly the end of this world. The end of this era.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise over an exhausted depleted world. But it will be a world that is subject not to the eternal tug of war between nations. While some independent nations will still exist in diminished form, only one will hold sway over the affairs of this world. One remaining super power. Will it be an era of healing and re-growth? Of scientific progress? Of cultural evolution? Religious re-birth? Or will the dawn break over a cruel era in which order and obedience trump life and liberty?
The decision resides with those few generals who remain in power. Those Magnificent Eleven alone will decide. The rest of humanity, those who have striven and failed, and those who watch in sullen silence, content to leave such decisions to their betters... will abide.
THAT CONCLUDES THIS DECISIVE ACTION NEWS UPDATE. WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCASTS
TRANSMISSION ENDS… Permalink