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Jokes and Puns #2
 Group admin 
The old one was getting quite long, but it's still good to go back to if you need some laughs: http://www.mocpages.com/group_conversation.php?id=21963&topicid=89385

Same rules and such, keep it cool :D

Let the laughing commence!
Permalink
| July 25, 2013, 3:46 pm
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


I could set a great example if you people would just lower your standards.


Beethoven is decomposing. (think about it)
Permalink
| July 25, 2013, 6:48 pm
Q: Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic cross-dresser?

A: He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Permalink
| July 25, 2013, 6:49 pm
Ice just floats around in its own blood.


You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


I have the world's largest collection of seashells. It's scattered all across the different beaches of the world. Maybe you've seen it.
Permalink
| July 25, 2013, 6:54 pm
Dancing teachers is my specialty, they know how to by their books and get smarter as they learn!
Permalink
| July 27, 2013, 1:48 pm
"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting starfish."

"Interrupting starfi--"

*grabs their face*
Permalink
| July 28, 2013, 11:02 pm
I mustache you a question...
...
...
...
...but I'm shaving it for later...
Permalink
| July 28, 2013, 11:05 pm
A police officer said to a suspected drunk driver he had pulled over, "Sir, your eyes look bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" And the driver replied, "Your eyes look kinda glazed. You been eatin' doughnuts?"
Permalink
| July 29, 2013, 12:47 am
A man looking at a box of insect killer asked one of the store clerks, "Hey, is this stuff good for ants?" And the clerk said, "Nope. It kills 'em."
Permalink
| July 29, 2013, 12:52 am
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side shot off? He's all right.
Permalink
| July 29, 2013, 7:04 pm
A ventriloquist is starting to tell a blonde joke with one of his puppets onstage in front of a large crowd. Suddenly, a blonde in the audience jumps up and says, "You can't discriminate against me just because of my hair color!" Startled, the ventriloquist starts to apologize, but the blonde interrupts him and says, "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to that little j@rk sitting on your knee!"
Permalink
| July 29, 2013, 7:08 pm
How can you tell if a stormtrooper is stup!d?

They keep saying he!! no to R2!

:P
Permalink
| July 29, 2013, 7:29 pm
How many stormtroopers does it take to fix a lightbulb?

One to fix it and another to shoot him and take the credit!
Permalink
| July 29, 2013, 7:31 pm
How many chickens does it take to fill a LEGO barn. Well one chicken is one stud so... It depends.
Permalink
| August 1, 2013, 12:09 am
Did you hear about the karate expert who joined the army? The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Permalink
| August 10, 2013, 10:43 pm
Q: What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?

A: Very little.
Permalink
| August 15, 2013, 12:59 am
I'm reposting this from the old thread because a friend of mine and I thought of a funnier ending.

A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding. When he walks up to the driver's side window, he sees a lady sitting in the passenger's seat, and another man asleep in the back seat. He asks the driver, "You realize I pulled you over for speeding, right?" The driver says, "Oh, I thought it was because of our expired license plates." The trooper says, "What?! Your plates are expired? Let me see your driver's license." The man said, "I don't have one." Stunned, the trooper asks, "You were driving without a license?!" Just then the woman in the passenger's seat says, "Oh, he always says that when he's drunk!" The trooper's jaw dropped. "You were driving DRUNK?!?!" The man in the back seat wakes up, sees the state trooper, and says, "OH NO!!! I knew we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!" The trooper steps back. "You're driving a STOLEN car?!" Suddenly there's a knocking noise from inside the trunk of the car, and a voice says, "Hey, señor! We across the border yet?" The trooper goes running back to his cruiser and screams into his radio, "Backup! I need BACKUP!!!" The drunk driver says, "Okaaaaay..." and backs his car up, crashing into the front of the trooper's cruiser.

New ending: The trooper gets out of the wrecked cruiser, walks up to the drunk driver, and says, "I'll bet $100 that you don't have any insurance on a stolen car either." The drunk driver says, "Nope. You win." and gives the trooper $100. The trooper cackles and walks away.


The end.... again?
Permalink
| August 15, 2013, 2:32 pm
The other day I threw a toothpick into the forest and yelled, "You're HOME!!!"
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 1:26 am
Try this stuff in public:

Eat Tic Tacs out of a prescription pill bottle.

Drink blue Gatorade out of a Windex bottle.

Eat vanilla yogurt out of a mayonnaise jar.
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 10:00 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Try this stuff in public:

Eat Tic Tacs out of a prescription pill bottle.

Drink blue Gatorade out of a Windex bottle.

Eat vanilla yogurt out of a mayonnaise jar.

Ever seen this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNlGtxJH4LY
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 10:14 pm
Today I got hit in the head with a can of soda. Fortunately it was a soft drink.
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 10:39 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I'm reposting this from the old thread because a friend of mine and I thought of a funnier ending.

A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding. When he walks up to the driver's side window, he sees a lady sitting in the passenger's seat, and another man asleep in the back seat. He asks the driver, "You realize I pulled you over for speeding, right?" The driver says, "Oh, I thought it was because of our expired license plates." The trooper says, "What?! Your plates are expired? Let me see your driver's license." The man said, "I don't have one." Stunned, the trooper asks, "You were driving without a license?!" Just then the woman in the passenger's seat says, "Oh, he always says that when he's drunk!" The trooper's jaw dropped. "You were driving DRUNK?!?!" The man in the back seat wakes up, sees the state trooper, and says, "OH NO!!! I knew we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!" The trooper steps back. "You're driving a STOLEN car?!" Suddenly there's a knocking noise from inside the trunk of the car, and a voice says, "Hey, señor! We across the border yet?" The trooper goes running back to his cruiser and screams into his radio, "Backup! I need BACKUP!!!" The drunk driver says, "Okaaaaay..." and backs his car up, crashing into the front of the trooper's cruiser.

New ending: The trooper gets out of the wrecked cruiser, walks up to the drunk driver, and says, "I'll bet $100 that you don't have any insurance on a stolen car either." The drunk driver says, "Nope. You win." and gives the trooper $100. The trooper cackles and walks away.


The end.... again?

The new ending is much better!
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 11:23 pm
Quoting Declan Muller
How many stormtroopers does it take to fix a lightbulb?

One to fix it and another to shoot him and take the credit!

Yeah except Stormtroopers can't hit anything when they shoot =P
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 11:25 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Try this stuff in public:

Eat Tic Tacs out of a prescription pill bottle.

Drink blue Gatorade out of a Windex bottle.

Eat vanilla yogurt out of a mayonnaise jar.

I have to try the Tic Tacs thing :D But mayonnaise is the w0r5t thing on earth...
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 11:30 pm
It's hard to have nothing when you have everything.

Taken from Legends of Chima Episode 5.
Permalink
| August 17, 2013, 11:56 pm
Don't you miss the days when apples and blackberries were just fruits?

Q. What's the difference between an elevator and an alligator?

A. In an elevator, people go up and down.
In an alligator, people just go down.


Permalink
| August 18, 2013, 12:01 am
If riddles are allowed, I have two:

1. A man lives in a tall apartment building on the TENTH floor. Every day when he goes to work he takes the elevator in his building to the ground level. When he comes back, the floor he goes to depends on the weather. If it is sunny he goes to the 7th floor and then climbs the stairs to his house. On rainy days he goes straight to the tenth floor. Why is this?

2. A girl was crossing a bridge to get to her friend. On the bridge were 3 greedy chocolate-loving guards. When you cross a guard, you must pay half of the chocolate bars you have. But they are a bit nice, so they give you one bar back. How many bars must the girl bring so she ends with two bars, one for her and one for her friend?
Permalink
| August 18, 2013, 12:08 am
Quoting City Creator (Time I Changed My Name)
If riddles are allowed, I have two:

1. A man lives in a tall apartment building on the TENTH floor. Every day when he goes to work he takes the elevator in his building to the ground level. When he comes back, the floor he goes to depends on the weather. If it is sunny he goes to the 7th floor and then climbs the stairs to his house. On rainy days he goes straight to the tenth floor. Why is this?

He is a midget. On a rainy day he pushes the button for the 10th floor with his unbrella.

Permalink
| August 18, 2013, 1:39 am
Quoting Barrett K.
Quoting City Creator (Time I Changed My Name)
If riddles are allowed, I have two:

1. A man lives in a tall apartment building on the TENTH floor. Every day when he goes to work he takes the elevator in his building to the ground level. When he comes back, the floor he goes to depends on the weather. If it is sunny he goes to the 7th floor and then climbs the stairs to his house. On rainy days he goes straight to the tenth floor. Why is this?

He is a midget. On a rainy day he pushes the button for the 10th floor with his unbrella.


By midget do you mean too short? You are correct.
Permalink
| August 18, 2013, 1:51 am
Quoting City Creator (Time I Changed My Name)
If riddles are allowed, I have two:

1. A man lives in a tall apartment building on the TENTH floor. Every day when he goes to work he takes the elevator in his building to the ground level. When he comes back, the floor he goes to depends on the weather. If it is sunny he goes to the 7th floor and then climbs the stairs to his house. On rainy days he goes straight to the tenth floor. Why is this?

2. A girl was crossing a bridge to get to her friend. On the bridge were 3 greedy chocolate-loving guards. When you cross a guard, you must pay half of the chocolate bars you have. But they are a bit nice, so they give you one bar back. How many bars must the girl bring so she ends with two bars, one for her and one for her friend?

Two candy bars. You give half of them (one) to the first guard and he gives you one back. Repeat twice, arrive at friend's house, enjoy chocolate.

btw I think we have a riddles topic.
Permalink
| August 18, 2013, 1:54 am
Quoting Beardless Dwarf
Two candy bars. You give half of them (one) to the first guard and he gives you one back. Repeat twice, arrive at friend's house, enjoy chocolate.

btw I think we have a riddles topic.


Correct. We do, but it's inactive.

Permalink
| August 18, 2013, 2:46 am
I have a full-size map of the United States. It says, "1 mile equals 1 mile". Last summer I folded it.

I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I accidentally installed my air conditioner backwards, and it got freezing cold outside. The weatherman was all confused. "It was supposed to be hot today...?"
Permalink
| August 19, 2013, 9:29 pm
A dachshund can kill a german shepherd. But only by getting stuck in his throat.
Permalink
| August 19, 2013, 9:33 pm
There's 3 men that have just killed a deer. They've already gutted it and stuff. So one of them says, "I have to use it," and goes out into the forest. After about 20 minutes, the two others say, "Where the heck is he?" And they go to find him. They find him asleep while on the toilet. "We should prank him," says one of the awake men. So they put deer guts underneath him.

About 10 minutes later, the guy going to the bathroom says, "Guys, I done crapped my innards out! But with hard work and elbow grease, I put them back in!"
Permalink
| August 19, 2013, 10:36 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I have a full-size map of the United States. It says, "1 mile equals 1 mile". Last summer I folded it.

I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I accidentally installed my air conditioner backwards, and it got freezing cold outside. The weatherman was all confused. "It was supposed to be cold today...?"

Lol these are pretty good. The best are the Monopoly one and the Lawyer one.
Permalink
| August 19, 2013, 11:56 pm
Quoting Nate B.
There's 3 men that have just killed a deer. They've already gutted it and stuff. So one of them says, "I have to use it," and goes out into the forest. After about 20 minutes, the two others say, "Where the heck is he?" And they go to find him. They find him asleep while on the toilet. "We should prank him," says one of the awake men. So they put deer guts underneath him.

About 10 minutes later, the guy going to the bathroom says, "Guys, I done crapped my innards out! But with hard work and elbow grease, I put them back in!"

That's funny but a bit disturbing....
Permalink
| August 20, 2013, 12:11 am
Are we allowed to put on Yo Mamma jokes? If we are, I have quite a few.
Permalink
| August 21, 2013, 8:21 am
Quoting Nate B.
There's 3 men that have just killed a deer. They've already gutted it and stuff. So one of them says, "I have to use it," and goes out into the forest. After about 20 minutes, the two others say, "Where the heck is he?" And they go to find him. They find him asleep while on the toilet. "We should prank him," says one of the awake men. So they put deer guts underneath him.

About 10 minutes later, the guy going to the bathroom says, "Guys, I done crapped my innards out! But with hard work and elbow grease, I put them back in!"
O_O
Permalink
| August 21, 2013, 8:28 am
 Group admin 
Quoting Mitchell Smith
Are we allowed to put on Yo Mamma jokes? If we are, I have quite a few.

I'm fine with it. Obviously, keep it clean.
Permalink
| August 21, 2013, 9:37 am
I wear a "do not disturb" sign around my neck so little kids won't try to tell me knock-knock jokes.
Permalink
| August 22, 2013, 1:40 pm
Quoting Beardless Dwarf
That's funny but a bit disturbing....

Yeah, I have a cleaner one.

How does a Kardashian change a lightbulb?

They buy a new mansion.
Permalink
| August 22, 2013, 9:08 pm
A man heard a knock on his front door, but when he opened it, there was nobody there. He looked around for a couple of seconds, and was about to close the door when he heard a quiet, squeaky voice say, "Hey, down here!" The man looked down only to find a snail at his feet. Without stopping to think, he picked the snail up and threw it as far away as he possibly could. Then he went back inside and closed the door.

8 years went by. One day, there came another quiet knock at the man's front door. Again, he opened the door and didn't see anyone. But a quiet, squeaky voice at the man's feet angrily asked, "What was THAT for?!?!"
Permalink
| August 23, 2013, 1:12 pm
Yo mamma so fat, she doesn't need internet. She's already worldwide!
Permalink
| August 23, 2013, 6:06 pm
Yo mama was so fat, whenever she danced, the band skipped.

Couldn't resist.
Permalink
| August 24, 2013, 6:59 pm
This is my favorite 'Yo Mamma' joke.

Yo Mamma's so fát, she rolls off both sides of the bed!
Permalink
| August 24, 2013, 7:08 pm
 Group moderator 
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.

The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!"

After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Permalink
| August 25, 2013, 2:43 pm
Quoting Garrett A.
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.

The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!"

After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

Why are those men not in the room with their wives?!? They're in the dog-house now....>:D
Permalink
| August 25, 2013, 2:53 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Beardless Dwarf
Why are those men not in the room with their wives?!? They're in the dog-house now....>:D

That used to not be allowed.
Permalink
| August 25, 2013, 10:11 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Garrett A.
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

HAAAAAHAAA!!!
Permalink
| August 25, 2013, 10:12 pm
Quoting Nate B.


How does a Kardashian change a lightbulb?

They buy a new mansion.
Or they just hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.

Permalink
| August 29, 2013, 2:44 pm
I was walking through the forest the other day when a tree fell right in front of me... and I couldn't hear it.
Permalink
| August 31, 2013, 7:36 pm
Yo mama so fat! She doesn't need internet..... She's already WORLDWIDE!

Yo mama so stupid! She bought tickets..... to XBOX LIVE!

Yo mama so fat! Everytime she turns around it's her birthday!

Yo mama so fat! She needs TWO WATCHES! One for each time zone she's in!

Yo mama so stupid! She got hit, by a PARKED car!
Permalink
| August 31, 2013, 9:14 pm
If a man is walking alone in the forest and says something where no woman can hear him, is he still wrong?
Permalink
| September 2, 2013, 10:20 pm
So, this baby seal walks into a club...
Permalink
| September 3, 2013, 8:23 pm
So, this dyslexic walks into a bra...
Permalink
| September 3, 2013, 8:23 pm
"Have you heard the joke about the broken pencil?"
"No"
"Don't worry, it has no point"
Permalink
| September 3, 2013, 8:24 pm
Quoting Mitchell Smith
Yo mama so fat! She doesn't need internet..... She's already WORLDWIDE!

Yo mama so stupid! She bought tickets..... to XBOX LIVE!

Yo mama so fat! Everytime she turns around it's her birthday!

Yo mama so fat! She needs TWO WATCHES! One for each time zone she's in!

Yo mama so stupid! She got hit, by a PARKED car!

yo mammas so supid! she climbed over a see through wall to see what was on the other side.
Permalink
| September 4, 2013, 8:16 am
 Group admin 
Quoting sam the first
yo mammas so supid! she climbed over a see through wall to see what was on the other side.

It's funnier if you say a chain link fence.
Permalink
| September 5, 2013, 6:38 pm
I have one very rare photograph. It's a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
Permalink
| September 6, 2013, 1:35 pm
If you're going to shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Permalink
| September 6, 2013, 1:36 pm
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" And I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Permalink
| September 6, 2013, 1:37 pm
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? O_o
Permalink
| September 6, 2013, 1:39 pm
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
Permalink
| September 6, 2013, 1:43 pm
When I get bored I go to the Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I'm done.
Permalink
| September 6, 2013, 1:43 pm
Somebody stole a toilet out of our local police station's bathroom. The police have nothing to go on.
Permalink
| September 7, 2013, 8:36 pm
What's the difference between a piano and a fish?





...You can't tuna fish. -.-
Permalink
| September 8, 2013, 11:32 pm
Has anyone told you the story of the cheddar slice? If no one has, your lucky. It's very cheesy.
Permalink
| September 9, 2013, 8:52 am
Did you hear the story of the ballpoint pen? If you haven't, it's really ink-redible!
Permalink
| September 9, 2013, 8:53 am
A carrot, a clown and a lawyer enter a bar. The bartender says,"Is this a joke or what???"
Permalink
| September 9, 2013, 7:18 pm
A man walks into a bar with jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender sees him and says, "You can stay, but don't start anything."
Permalink
| September 9, 2013, 7:58 pm
Q: What do you call a Ford Pinto at the top of a hill?

A: A miracle.
Permalink
| September 9, 2013, 8:01 pm
I'd tell y'all the joke about a letter without a postage stamp, but you would never get it.
Permalink
| September 10, 2013, 11:43 am
Are blond jokes ok with you all?
Permalink
| September 10, 2013, 6:01 pm
I tripped on the up escalator at the mall, and it took me an hour and a half to fall down the stairs.
Permalink
| September 10, 2013, 10:12 pm
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Permalink
| September 11, 2013, 11:07 pm
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? O_o
Permalink
| September 11, 2013, 11:08 pm
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Permalink
| September 11, 2013, 11:09 pm
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
Permalink
| September 11, 2013, 11:10 pm
I asked the chicken why he was crossing the road. He said it was none of my business.
Permalink
| September 11, 2013, 11:14 pm
Did you hear about the fight at the chip shop? Two fish got battered.

What's brown and sticky? A stick


Permalink
| September 12, 2013, 8:41 am
WARNING IF THERE ARE ANY BLONDS HERE I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM.



Ok two blond's got locked out of there car one of them were watching the other was trying to brake the window and said she wanted to take a brake the other said no it look like it's about to rain and the cover is down. :)
Permalink
| September 12, 2013, 11:23 am
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Permalink
| September 13, 2013, 5:07 pm
There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".

So, the servant did as the captain said.

After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?

The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.

The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."

The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
Permalink
| September 13, 2013, 7:34 pm
Q: How did Hitler tie his shoesies?

A: With little nazis.
Permalink
| September 13, 2013, 11:53 pm
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. :(
Permalink
| September 14, 2013, 3:11 pm
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
Permalink
| September 14, 2013, 3:13 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. :(

A commercial :P
Permalink
| September 14, 2013, 5:24 pm
John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln both had seven letters in their last names.

John F. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin...

John F. Kennedy once spilled Log Cabin Syrup on the back seat of his grandfather's Lincoln.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| September 15, 2013, 3:05 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln both had seven letters in their last names.

John F. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin...

John F. Kennedy once spilled Log Cabin Syrup on the back seat of his grandfather's Lincoln.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw

Lincoln was shot in a theater named Ford,
and his assassin went to hide in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot in a Ford car from a warehouse, and his assassin went to hide in a theater. Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both men were succeeded by men named Johnson.


Permalink
| September 15, 2013, 3:22 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I'm reposting this from the old thread because a friend of mine and I thought of a funnier ending.

A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding. When he walks up to the driver's side window, he sees a lady sitting in the passenger's seat, and another man asleep in the back seat. He asks the driver, "You realize I pulled you over for speeding, right?" The driver says, "Oh, I thought it was because of our expired license plates." The trooper says, "What?! Your plates are expired? Let me see your driver's license." The man said, "I don't have one." Stunned, the trooper asks, "You were driving without a license?!" Just then the woman in the passenger's seat says, "Oh, he always says that when he's drunk!" The trooper's jaw dropped. "You were driving DRUNK?!?!" The man in the back seat wakes up, sees the state trooper, and says, "OH NO!!! I knew we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!" The trooper steps back. "You're driving a STOLEN car?!" Suddenly there's a knocking noise from inside the trunk of the car, and a voice says, "Hey, señor! We across the border yet?" The trooper goes running back to his cruiser and screams into his radio, "Backup! I need BACKUP!!!" The drunk driver says, "Okaaaaay..." and backs his car up, crashing into the front of the trooper's cruiser.

New ending: The trooper gets out of the wrecked cruiser, walks up to the drunk driver, and says, "I'll bet $100 that you don't have any insurance on a stolen car either." The drunk driver says, "Nope. You win." and gives the trooper $100. The trooper cackles and walks away.


The end.... again?
LOL! Nice one!
Permalink
| September 16, 2013, 8:46 am
Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently told that he needed to upgrade to Windows 8. His reply was, "I still love Vista, baby!"
Permalink
| September 16, 2013, 2:08 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently told that he needed to upgrade to Windows 8. His reply was, "I still love Vista, baby!"

That is funny. I love that movie!
Permalink
| September 16, 2013, 2:20 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently told that he needed to upgrade to Windows 8. His reply was, "I still love Vista, baby!"
I get it! Good one!
Permalink
| September 16, 2013, 5:34 pm
 Group admin 
What is a ducks favorite snack?


Quacker Jacks. Yes I made that up. :P
Permalink
| September 16, 2013, 6:04 pm
I've written a few children's books, but not on purpose.
Permalink
| September 16, 2013, 9:46 pm
A guy walks into a bar. What does he say?

...Ouch.
Permalink
| September 17, 2013, 6:04 pm

Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.

Girl: What is the capital of America?

Boy: Washington D. C.

Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!

Permalink
| September 17, 2013, 6:08 pm
Quoting Nate B.

Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.

Girl: What is the capital of America?

Boy: Washington D. C.

Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!

LOL.

Permalink
| September 17, 2013, 6:11 pm
Teacher: Define "politics".

Student: "Politics". It comes from two roots: the Latin "poly", meaning "many", and "ticks", which are blood sucking leeches.
Permalink
| September 17, 2013, 6:12 pm
What is a cracker's favourite social media site? Insta-graham!
Permalink
| September 18, 2013, 4:06 am
so there is this guy named bob. and he is not on the bright side. well one day he gets a job at a doughnut shop. but bob has absolutely no Idea how to run one. well anyway its his first day on the job.

so a customer comes in and says "How Much for a dozen donuts?"
bob says "uhhh. I don't know."
so the customer says "well actuly I can see back there on the board that they are 50 cents, so when some one asks you that you should say 50 cents"


so the next customer comes in and says "how much for a dozen donuts?"
well bob is just delighted that he know the answer "50 cents!" he said
then the customer says "are they fresh?"
bob says "uh...hmmm well I don't know"
"oh well actuly I can see them being made back there so then must be fresh" he said "so when some one asks you that you should say yes.

so the third customer comes in says "how much for a dozen donuts?"
bob says "50 cents"
then the customer asks "are they fresh?"
and bob says "yes"
next the customer says" should I buy one?"
and bob again has no Idea he says" uh. I don't know" the customer says "well the proper answer would be "if you don't someone else will"


so this gangster comes in and says "how much is in that cash-register"
"50 cents!" said bob
"are you insulting me?"
"Yes"
"should I shoot you?"
"If you don't someone else will!" said bob
Permalink
| September 18, 2013, 11:14 am
Quoting Lee Muzzy
so there is this guy named bob. and he is not on the bright side. well one day he gets a job at a doughnut shop. but bob has absolutely no Idea how to run one. well anyway its his first day on the job.

so a customer comes in and says "How Much for a dozen donuts?"
bob says "uhhh. I don't know."
so the customer says "well actuly I can see back there on the board that they are 50 cents, so when some one asks you that you should say 50 cents"


so the next customer comes in and says "how much for a dozen donuts?"
well bob is just delighted that he know the answer "50 cents!" he said
then the customer says "are they fresh?"
bob says "uh...hmmm well I don't know"
"oh well actuly I can see them being made back there so then must be fresh" he said "so when some one asks you that you should say yes.

so the third customer comes in says "how much for a dozen donuts?"
bob says "50 cents"
then the customer asks "are they fresh?"
and bob says "yes"
next the customer says" should I buy one?"
and bob again has no Idea he says" uh. I don't know" the customer says "well the proper answer would be "if you don't someone else will"


so this gangster comes in and says "how much is in that cash-register"
"50 cents!" said bob
"are you insulting me?"
"Yes"
"should I shoot you?"
"If you don't someone else will!" said bob

That's funny!!!!! XD
Permalink
| September 19, 2013, 1:12 pm
Two L's and an O walk into a bar. The bartender laughs out loud.
Permalink
| September 19, 2013, 3:58 pm
Quoting BRICK IT Productions
Two L's and an O walk into a bar. The bartender laughs out loud.

As did I.
Permalink
| September 19, 2013, 6:04 pm
Heres a good one that nobody i ever told to laughed, my mom did because she knew it was bad

"Why can't the wizard go to school?"
"Because he has EX"Spelled"!!!!"

please tell me its good!
Permalink
| September 20, 2013, 11:06 pm
Q: Why did the new Italian navy use glass-bottom boats?

A: So they could see the old Italian navy.
Permalink
| September 29, 2013, 2:41 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Q: Why did the new Italian navy use glass-bottom boats?

A: So they could see the old Italian navy.

That made me laugh.
Permalink
| September 29, 2013, 2:51 pm
A "blind" man sitting by a crosswalk with a bucket for change notices another man in sunglasses holding a coffee cup nearby. The "blind" man yells to the other man: "Hey you! You can't beg here! I was here first!" The other man replies: "Aren't you blind?" The blind man gets up and walks away.
Permalink
| September 29, 2013, 8:25 pm
A state trooper on Interstate 10 pulled over a car that was puttering along at just 10 MPH. When he came up to the driver's side window, he saw that an older lady was driving, and with her in the car were three other very nervous-looking women. He asked the lady who was driving, "Why are you driving so slow?" She replied, "That's speed limit here, isn't it? 10 miles per hour?" The trooper said, "No ma'am, that's the name of this road. It's Interstate 10 you're driving on. The speed limit through this section is actually 55 miles per hour." Embarrassed, the woman replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll speed up then." The trooper told her not to worry about it and started to walk back to his car, but decided he wanted to know why the other women in the car looked so nervous. "I hope I didn't scare your friends when I pulled you over." he said. The lady replied, "I don't think it was you. They're probably scared because we just got off of Highway 90."
Permalink
| September 29, 2013, 10:07 pm
Here's one my Grandpa told me:

There was once a boy who at birth was named Odd. All throughout his life, people made fun of his name. He grew up, married and lived a good life, however, the jokes continued. When he was near death, he told his wife to not have anything on his tombstone, for he didn't want his name, Odd, to be remembered.

Decades later, after he passed away, a man was walking through the graveyard and saw the tombstone that was blank. He was puzzled, and said:
"That's odd."
Permalink
| October 2, 2013, 3:41 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently told that he needed to upgrade to Windows 8. His reply was, "I still love Vista, baby!"

HAAAHAA
Permalink
| October 2, 2013, 4:45 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Andrew the Jedi Ninja
Here's one my Grandpa told me:

There was once a boy who at birth was named Odd. All throughout his life, people made fun of his name. He grew up, married and lived a good life, however, the jokes continued. When he was near death, he told his wife to not have anything on his tombstone, for he didn't want his name, Odd, to be remembered.

Decades later, after he passed away, a man was walking through the graveyard and saw the tombstone that was blank. He was puzzled, and said:
"That's odd."

A slow humor, but funny joke.
Permalink
| October 2, 2013, 4:57 pm
Quoting Andrew the Jedi Ninja
Here's one my Grandpa told me:

There was once a boy who at birth was named Odd. All throughout his life, people made fun of his name. He grew up, married and lived a good life, however, the jokes continued. When he was near death, he told his wife to not have anything on his tombstone, for he didn't want his name, Odd, to be remembered.

Decades later, after he passed away, a man was walking through the graveyard and saw the tombstone that was blank. He was puzzled, and said:
"That's odd."

That's good, I like that one
Permalink
| October 2, 2013, 5:19 pm
People who have more birthdays tend to live longer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| October 6, 2013, 10:22 pm
Two guys are walking through the woods when they come across a deep hole that neither of them have ever seen before. Of them says, "Hey, throw a rock in there to see if we can hear it hit the bottom." The other guy throws in a rock, and they don't hear anything. "Wow, that's a deep hole!" the guy who threw the rock says. Then the other guy says, "Hey, how about that tree branch? Maybe we'll be able to hear that hit the bottom." He picks up the branch and throws it in, and they still don't hear anything. Just then the other guy says, "Hey, look! There's about an 8-foot section of old railroad track over there. If we throw that in, it'll be REALLY loud!" They each grab an end and slide the section of railroad track into the hole. Just as it's disappearing from sight, a big goat comes bounding out from behind the bushes and jumps into the hole after the railroad track! "Where did that goat come from?!?!" one of the guys asked, and the other guy said, "I don't know... Why did he jump into hole?!" Just then, an old farmer comes walking along and asks the two guys, "Have you boys seen a big goat around here?" One of the guys says, "Yes, but... He just jumped into this big hole here." Puzzled, the farmer says, "I don't know how he could've done that. I had him tied to an 8-foot section of railroad track."
Permalink
| October 6, 2013, 10:42 pm
"A genuine ant eater!", said the pet man to my dad. Turns out it was an AUNT eater, and now my uncle's mad.
Permalink
| October 6, 2013, 10:43 pm
The next time somebody tells you to have a nice day, say, "Don't tell me what to do." as you're leaving.
Permalink
| October 9, 2013, 12:02 pm
An elderly man was driving down the road with his wife. He turned to her and asked, "Before we left, did you remember to put the cat out?" She replied, "It wasn't on fire."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| October 9, 2013, 12:07 pm
 Group admin 
I was going to tell a joke about pizza, but I thought "eh, it's too cheesy."
Permalink
| October 9, 2013, 12:12 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
The next time somebody tells you to have a nice day, say, "Don't tell me what to do." as you're leaving.

got that from thegaminglemon by any chance? ;D
Permalink
| October 9, 2013, 12:15 pm
Four buddies are on a hunting trip that will last for three days and three nights. They have two cabins where they'll be staying, with two guys in each cabin. Nobody wants to share a cabin with Earl, who's notorious for keeping people awake with his loud snoring. But since they're staying for three nights, they agree that they'll take turns sharing a cabin with Earl each night. The first guy comes back after the first night, and sure enough, his eyes are bloodshot and he looks completely exhausted. He says, "I couldn't get any sleep because of Earl's ridiculous snoring, so I just sat up and watched him snore all night." After the next night, the second guy comes back looking just as exhausted as the first guy, and says, "You guys were right. Earl snores REALLY loud! So I ended just watching him snore all night." The third buddy is an older guy who's been hunting all his life. He shares a cabin with Earl on the third night, and surprisingly, he comes back looking well-rested and ready to go. With the other two guys demanding to know how he rested so well, he explains, "When Earl got into his bunk, I tucked him into bed, sang him a lullaby, and then slapped him on the behind. Then I offered to kiss him good night, but he didn't want me to. So I got into my bunk and slept soundly while Earl sat up and watched ME all night!"
Permalink
| October 28, 2013, 12:07 am
A guy wakes up after a long night of going from bar to bar with a bunch of his buddies, and realizes that his glasses are missing. He knows he must have left them at one of the bars he visited the night before, but he can't remember which one. Suddenly, a strange thought comes back to him from the previous night. It seems crazy, but he remembers one of the bars having a golden toilet in the bathroom. That's the last place he can remember wearing his glasses, but he can't remember which bar it is. So, he goes to the first bar that he went to with his friends, and quietly tries to ask the bartender, "Uh, hey... is this the bar with the gold toilet?" The bartender gives the man a confused look, and replies, "No, of course not. Get out of here." So the man goes to the next bar, and asks the same question there. The bartender there replies, "Are you crazy? Who would have a golden toilet?!" So he goes on to the next bar. It's the only other one the guy can remember going to with his friends, so he knows it must be where he left his glasses. As soon as he walks in, he can tell the bartender there recognizes him. He very quietly asks the bartender, "Uh, this is the bar with the golden toilet, right?" Without answering him, the bartender turns and says, "Hey, Bill! Here's the guy who p00ped in your tuba!"
Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 1:38 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A guy wakes up after a long night of going from bar to bar with a bunch of his buddies, and realizes that his glasses are missing. He knows he must have left them at one of the bars he visited the night before, but he can't remember which one. Suddenly, a strange thought comes back to him from the previous night. It seems crazy, but he remembers one of the bars having a golden toilet in the bathroom. That's the last place he can remember wearing his glasses, but he can't remember which bar it is. So, he goes to first bar that went to with his friends, and quietly tries to ask the bartender, "Uh, hey... is this the bar with the gold toilet?" The bartender gives the man a confused look, and replies, "No, of course not. Get out of here." So the man goes to the next bar, and asks the same question there. The bartender there replies, "Are you crazy? Who would have a golden toilet?!" So he goes on to the next bar. It's the only other one the guy can remember going to with his friends, so he knows it must be where he left his glasses. As soon as he walks in, he can tell the bartender there recognizes him. He very quietly asks the bartender, "Uh, this is the bar with the golden toilet, right?" Without answering him, the bartender turns and says, "Hey, Bill! Here's the guy who p00ped in your tuba!"

haha!!
my friend made up the best simile evah!!

as useless as waterproof teabags. =D
Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 1:44 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A guy wakes up after a long night of going from bar to bar with a bunch of his buddies, and realizes that his glasses are missing. He knows he must have left them at one of the bars he visited the night before, but he can't remember which one. Suddenly, a strange thought comes back to him from the previous night. It seems crazy, but he remembers one of the bars having a golden toilet in the bathroom. That's the last place he can remember wearing his glasses, but he can't remember which bar it is. So, he goes to first bar that went to with his friends, and quietly tries to ask the bartender, "Uh, hey... is this the bar with the gold toilet?" The bartender gives the man a confused look, and replies, "No, of course not. Get out of here." So the man goes to the next bar, and asks the same question there. The bartender there replies, "Are you crazy? Who would have a golden toilet?!" So he goes on to the next bar. It's the only other one the guy can remember going to with his friends, so he knows it must be where he left his glasses. As soon as he walks in, he can tell the bartender there recognizes him. He very quietly asks the bartender, "Uh, this is the bar with the golden toilet, right?" Without answering him, the bartender turns and says, "Hey, Bill! Here's the guy who p00ped in your tuba!"

D'oh.

:D
Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 2:08 pm
Quoting sam the first
haha!!
my friend made up the best simile evah!!

as useless as waterproof teabags. =D
Like sugarless sugar wafers, or oxygen-free air.

Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 2:36 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting sam the first
haha!!
my friend made up the best simile evah!!

as useless as waterproof teabags. =D
Like sugarless sugar wafers, or oxygen-free air.

or an ejection seat in a helicopter (think about it).
Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 3:51 pm
Quoting sam the first
or an ejection seat in a helicopter (think about it).
Or a screen door on a submarine.

Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 4:54 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting sam the first
or an ejection seat in a helicopter (think about it).
Or a screen door on a submarine.

or as easy as slamming shut a revolving door (credit to my cousin 'wormy mcworm' for that)
Permalink
| October 29, 2013, 4:56 pm
Or as smart as the invention of powdered water.
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 7:34 pm
Snow puns just aren't cool anymore.
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 7:34 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Maxime MaxSamAlex
Or as smart as the invention of powdered water.

That's a good one!
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 7:41 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Stormjay Rider
Snow puns just aren't cool anymore.

XD Nice
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 7:41 pm
 Group admin 
I'd tell you a joke about dogs, but it makes my voice husky.
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 8:20 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting David .
I'd tell you a joke about dogs, but it makes my voice husky.

:D
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 8:30 pm
A man suddenly finds himself standing in front of Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "What happened? How did I get here?" he asks. Saint Peter replies, "I'm sorry Micheal, but you died in your sleep." The man says, "But that's not fair! I didn't get to tell my wife goodbye or anything! Is there any way I can go back?" Saint Peter replies, "I'll check the rule book. There might be a way." After a few minutes of reading the rules, Peter says, "It says here that we can temporarily reincarnate you, but only into an animal that lives near your house. " The man thinks for a moment, and then says, "My neighbor across the road runs a chicken farm. Can you reincarnate me into a chicken?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers, and in a flash of light, the man finds that he's been turned into a chicken, and is now surrounded by other chickens on his neighbor's farm. A big rooster walks up to him and says, "I don't recognize you. Are you new around here?" The guy replies, "It's cool, man. I'm supposed to be here. I'm a chicken!" The rooster says, "Oh, yeah? Lay an egg and prove it." The guy sweats, strains, and squeezes, and finally, with a loud gasp, lays an egg. Then he says, "Wait, I think I feel another one coming!" He begins to lay a second egg, but then his wife shakes him awake and yells, "Darn it, Micheal!!! You p00ped in the bed again!!!"
Permalink
| October 30, 2013, 10:52 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Nate, I appreciate your enthusiasm for making jokes. (You've made me laugh pretty hard) But please, let's cool it on the P00P jokes, ok? - iBrick Staff

Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 3:43 am
 Group admin 
A police officer pulled over a car for going too slow, and it has with four old ladies inside. The two in the back and the one in the passenger seat were all pale as ghosts. The police officer leans in and says, "Maam, are you aware that the speed limit is 50, and you're going 25?" she responded: "Well, no officer, that sing up there says go 25!" Realizing her mistake the police officer explains to her that that was the route sign, not the speed-limit, and decides to excuse them. Before he leaves, he had one question: "Maam, may I ask why the rest of you look so shaken?" Laughing, the old lady responded: "Oh, we just got off route 104, officer"
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 3:52 am
Quoting David .
A police officer pulled over a car for going too slow, and it has with four old ladies inside. The two in the back and the one in the passenger seat were all pale as ghosts. The police officer leans in and says, "Maam, are you aware that the speed limit is 50, and you're going 25?" she responded: "Well, no officer, that sing up there says go 25!" Realizing her mistake the police officer explains to her that that was the route sign, not the speed-limit, and decides to excuse them. Before he leaves, he had one question: "Maam, may I ask why the rest of you look so shaken?" Laughing, the old lady responded: "Oh, we just got off route 104, officer"

nice one! you should have got a message asking you to review a comment (which is mine) - i think it's acceptable, isn't it?
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 3:57 am
 Group admin 
Quoting sam the first
nice one! you should have got a message asking you to review a comment (which is mine) - i think it's acceptable, isn't it?

I didn't get it. :/
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 4:18 am
Quoting David .
I didn't get it. :/

basically, the child's name is whatever fell upon they're head when they were born. in brick's case, a brick. if it fell upon his head, it's going to damage it a lot, hence the 'blub rgn nmmr'-ing.it's a lot funnier saying it rather than writing it. ; )
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 4:23 am
Quoting Maxime MaxSamAlex
Or as smart as the invention of powdered water.

'just add water!'
'well, that's a relief cause i have some! wheres that other packet of powdered water...'

-=32 packets later=-
'DANGIT!!'
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 10:49 am
Quoting David .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Nate, I appreciate your enthusiasm for making jokes. (You've made me laugh pretty hard) But please, let's cool it on the P00P jokes, ok? - iBrick Staff
http://goo.gl/7ocrGR
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 7:00 pm
Quoting David .
Quoting Nate Andrews
Nate, I appreciate your enthusiasm for making jokes. (You've made me laugh pretty hard) But please, let's cool it on the P00P jokes, ok? - iBrick Staff
In my defense, I wasn't exactly on a roll with those jokes. That would be weird and slightly disturbing. O_o
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 7:14 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting sam the first
basically, the child's name is whatever fell upon they're head when they were born. in brick's case, a brick. if it fell upon his head, it's going to damage it a lot, hence the 'blub rgn nmmr'-ing.it's a lot funnier saying it rather than writing it. ; )

He means that he didn't get the message.
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 7:27 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting David .
A police officer pulled over a car for going too slow, and it has with four old ladies inside. The two in the back and the one in the passenger seat were all pale as ghosts. The police officer leans in and says, "Maam, are you aware that the speed limit is 50, and you're going 25?" she responded: "Well, no officer, that sing up there says go 25!" Realizing her mistake the police officer explains to her that that was the route sign, not the speed-limit, and decides to excuse them. Before he leaves, he had one question: "Maam, may I ask why the rest of you look so shaken?" Laughing, the old lady responded: "Oh, we just got off route 104, officer"

Lol, Nate told the same joke earlier in this topic.
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 7:28 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews

Yeh, I was talking about making a ton of jokes in particular. Your last two, (Particularly lengthy) jokes were about item in question. :P Feel free to tell more jokes, though, I love a good laugh!


As my grandpa said:"Go out an' tell 'em a joke, *shouting/laughing*But Give It Plenty 'O Hoke!"

Kudos if they know from where I quoted THAT. ;)
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 7:30 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Halhi 141
Lol, Nate told the same joke earlier in this topic.

Oh. :3 I actually got that from a newspaper... XD
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 7:42 pm
A concerned wife is listening as her husband angrily yells and screams at a football game he's watching in the living room. Clearly, the game isn't going the way he wanted it to. Suddenly, her husband goes quiet, but she can still hear the TV blaring. Certain that he's given himself a heart attack, she goes running into the living room only to find that he's changed the channel and switched to an old war movie. He explains, "I just wanted to watch something that I knew our side would win."
Permalink
| November 2, 2013, 8:21 pm
A man arrives at the pearly gates to find Saint Peter sitting at a desk in front of a huge wall covered with clocks. "Wow, what are all these clocks for?" the man asks. Saint Peter says, "These are people's lie clocks. Each time somebody tells a lie, the hands on their clock move. There's one here for every person who ever lived." The man replies, "That's incredible! Who's clock is this here? It doesn't look like the hands have ever moved!" Saint Peter says, "That's Mother Teresa's clock. Because the hands have never moved, we know that she never told a single lie in her entire life. And over here, we have Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice on his, so we know he only ever told two lies while he was alive." The man thinks for a minute, and then asks, "So, where's Obama's clock?" Saint Peter smiles, and says, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Permalink
| November 3, 2013, 9:45 am
When somebody hands you a flyer, they're pretty much just saying, "Here, you throw this away for me."
Permalink
| November 4, 2013, 7:00 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
A man arrives at the pearly gates to find Saint Peter sitting at a desk in front of a huge wall covered with clocks. "Wow, what are all these clocks for?" the man asks. Saint Peter says, "These are people's lie clocks. Each time somebody tells a lie, the hands on their clock move. There's one here for every person who ever lived." The man replies, "That's incredible! Who's clock is this here? It doesn't look like the hands have ever moved!" Saint Peter says, "That's Mother Teresa's clock. Because the hands have never moved, we know that she never told a single lie in her entire life. And over here, we have Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice on his, so we know he only ever told two lies while he was alive." The man thinks for a minute, and then asks, "So, where's Obama's clock?" Saint Peter smiles, and says, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

HAAAHAAA!!! That's one of the best I've heard in a long time!!
Permalink
| November 4, 2013, 8:05 pm
A young lawyer pulls up to work in his brand-new Mercedes. Just as he's opening the door, another car comes flying by and rips the door off of the car. "LOOK WHAT THAT IDI@T DID TO MY CAR!!!" he screams. A man who saw everything happen from the sidewalk says to the guy, "Wow, you're a typical young lawyer. You're so worried about your car that you didn't even notice that your left arm got ripped off along with the door!" The young lawyer looks down where his arm used to be, and says, "Oh no! My Rolex!!!"
Permalink
| November 5, 2013, 9:05 pm
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.
Permalink
| November 5, 2013, 9:08 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A man arrives at the pearly gates to find Saint Peter sitting at a desk in front of a huge wall covered with clocks. "Wow, what are all these clocks for?" the man asks. Saint Peter says, "These are people's lie clocks. Each time somebody tells a lie, the hands on their clock move. There's one here for every person who ever lived." The man replies, "That's incredible! Who's clock is this here? It doesn't look like the hands have ever moved!" Saint Peter says, "That's Mother Teresa's clock. Because the hands have never moved, we know that she never told a single lie in her entire life. And over here, we have Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice on his, so we know he only ever told two lies while he was alive." The man thinks for a minute, and then asks, "So, where's Obama's clock?" Saint Peter smiles, and says, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

ouch. ;D . i'm English, so i dunno what obama's like.
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 1:34 pm
Quoting sam the first
ouch. ;D . i'm English, so i dunno what obama's like.

English as in British, I'm assuming. I am English but also American. :/
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 1:35 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
English as in British, I'm assuming. I am English but also American. :/

when i say english, i mean 'person from england'. i'm just used to saying that because that's what we say normally. WHY IS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SO CONFUSING!?
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 1:39 pm
Quoting sam the first
when i say english, i mean 'person from england'. i'm just used to saying that because that's what we say normally. WHY IS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SO CONFUSING!?

Because it is spoken by more people than the ones in England.
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 1:40 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
Because it is spoken by more people than the ones in England.

their all slightly different. you guys pronounce aluminium differently, and you spell colour as color. so we have our differences.
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 1:45 pm
Quoting sam the first
their all slightly different. you guys pronounce aluminium differently, and you spell colour as color. so we have our differences.

I think there was an agreement that the Americans would spell element 13 "aluminium" in exchange for the British spelling element 16 "sulfur".

Just to throw that out there.
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 2:11 pm
Quoting Stormjay Rider
I think there was an agreement that the Americans would spell element 13 "aluminium" in exchange for the British spelling element 16 "sulfur".

Just to throw that out there.

ah-languages-geography-now science=subject change plz?

back to da jokes!
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 2:16 pm
Quoting sam the first
ah-languages-geography-now science=subject change plz?

back to da jokes!

Jokes?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 2:18 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A man arrives at the pearly gates to find Saint Peter sitting at a desk in front of a huge wall covered with clocks. "Wow, what are all these clocks for?" the man asks. Saint Peter says, "These are people's lie clocks. Each time somebody tells a lie, the hands on their clock move. There's one here for every person who ever lived." The man replies, "That's incredible! Who's clock is this here? It doesn't look like the hands have ever moved!" Saint Peter says, "That's Mother Teresa's clock. Because the hands have never moved, we know that she never told a single lie in her entire life. And over here, we have Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice on his, so we know he only ever told two lies while he was alive." The man thinks for a minute, and then asks, "So, where's Obama's clock?" Saint Peter smiles, and says, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Now THAT is pretty hilarious!
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 2:30 pm
 Group admin 
Hey, can you guys take this conversation to the Chat thread please? This is for jokes, and though some of this IS funny, it's not really meant for this thread. :)
Permalink
| November 6, 2013, 2:31 pm
Quoting sam the first
ouch. ;D . i'm English, so i dunno what obama's like.

Like this: http://goo.gl/QUpAsm
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 6:44 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting sam the first
ouch. ;D . i'm English, so i dunno what obama's like.

Like this: http://goo.gl/QUpAsm

Dat's pretty true.
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:17 pm
How does Hitler tie his shoes?


With little Nazi's.
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:49 pm
While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:50 pm
When I went to Starbucks for coffee: they lied. It wasn't Starbucks, it was four bucks!

(Think about it.)
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:51 pm
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:53 pm
Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette a red head and a green haired girl. The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown.

The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red. She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.

Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green. She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural."

(I'm on a roll.)
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:55 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Nate B.
While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

What a terrible wife:P
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 7:55 pm
Quoting Nate B.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?


With little Nazi's.

Sorry, this has already been posted.
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 8:06 pm
An Amish man and his family are visiting a shopping mall in the city for the first time. He and his son are walking past an elevator when a tired-looking old lady steps inside of it. The doors close, the lights flash, and the bell rings. The doors open again, and out steps an attractive young blonde. The Amish man turns to his son and says, "Hey, go get your mother!"
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 8:10 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate B.
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

HAAAAAHAAA how awful...
Permalink
| November 7, 2013, 9:32 pm
Quoting Nate B.
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

I actually laughed out loud.
Permalink
| November 8, 2013, 1:20 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
I actually laughed out loud.

Yay! I made people laugh!
Permalink
| November 8, 2013, 6:51 pm
A guy wants to send some flowers and a card to his wife who's recently been laid off from her job. He's trying to order the flowers on his cell phone, but he's in a poor signal area, so the lady on the other end is having trouble understanding him. He's getting frustrated and finally shouts into the phone that he wants the card to say, "I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!" and then hangs up. The next day, his wife nearly faints when she receives some flowers with a card that says, "I be leaving you."
Permalink
| November 10, 2013, 10:31 pm
The letters in "mother-in-law" can be rearranged to spell "woman hitler".
Permalink
| November 10, 2013, 11:39 pm
Quoting Nate B.
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

HAHAHA! ouch
Permalink
| November 11, 2013, 4:23 pm
 Group admin 
Bill was having a hard time looking for his job. He complained to his room-mate: "Why can't I get a job?!?!?! Every where I go, they say I need experience in the job to get the job, but how can I get the experience if I can't have the job?!?!"

Excuse the lame-factor in this joke. It sounds much funnier in real life. :P
Permalink
| November 13, 2013, 5:32 pm
Group moderators have locked this conversation.
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