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Jokes and Puns
 Group admin 
For funny jokes, puns, sayings, whatever. Keep it appropriate.
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 8:58 pm
Bob the Almighty was the first one to post.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 9:21 pm
 Group moderator 
That soccer game was a kick!
(Sorry for using such a common one)
Also, Brick Boy was the first to make a really comment!
Mwh Mwh HAHAHAHAHAH! The Joke world is mine!
-Brick Boy
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 9:25 pm
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ow." (think about it for a few seconds.)

I entered ten puns into a pun contest hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did. (Say it out loud.)
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 10:03 pm
A man was sitting in a restaurant listening to two rather "large" women talking to each other in british accents.

"What part of England are you two ladies from?" he asked.

One of ladies replied "It's Wales you idi@t, Wales!"

Then he answered "Oh, I'm sorry. What part of England are you two whales from?"
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 10:58 pm
A group of chess players checked into a hotel and lounged around in the lobby proclaiming their victories over the other chess team. After an hour or so, the manager came out and told them to leave. "Why do you want us to leave?" asked the chess players. The manager replied, "Because I cannot stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 11:08 pm
An escalator can never break down. It can only temporarily become stairs.
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 11:14 pm
Q: What do you call thirty people watching the superbowl on TV?

A: The Detroit Lions.

I'll be here all night.
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 11:17 pm
One more...

Imagine if submarines had kaleidoscopes instead of periscopes. "We're surrounded."
Permalink
| May 23, 2013, 11:30 pm
I put some instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I bought a solar powered flashlight the other day. It doesn't work.

I really should get some sleep now.
Permalink
| May 24, 2013, 12:30 am
An old man goes into a port-a-potty and locks the door.
A few minutes later, a person knocks on the door.
The old man says, "This elevator only goes to the basement! And someone made an AWFUL mess down there!"
Permalink
| May 24, 2013, 6:20 am
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can never get out.
Permalink
| May 24, 2013, 9:13 am
Did you hear about the guy who got cut in half? He's all right now.
Permalink
| May 24, 2013, 12:27 pm
Your mother is so fat, we are all concerned for her health.
(That is actually an Anti-Joke, learn more from Vsauce on youtube)
Permalink
| May 24, 2013, 12:39 pm
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? He's recovered.
Permalink
| May 25, 2013, 7:05 am
I bought some batteries the other day but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.
Permalink
| May 27, 2013, 10:07 pm
**Girl calls up her boyfriend**
Girl: Hey, watcha doin'?
Boy: Working
**Party noises in the boy's background**
Girl: Don't lie, I can hear party noises behind you.
Boy: I'm working!
Girl: You hitting on any girls?
Boy: No, I'm working.
Girl: Stop lying!
Boy: How many times do I have to tell you, I WORK AS A BARTENDER!
Permalink
| May 27, 2013, 10:21 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Ian in a Mech Suit!!!
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ow." (think about it for a few seconds.)

I entered ten puns into a pun contest hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did. (Say it out loud.)

Nice!
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 12:42 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
I put some instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I bought a solar powered flashlight the other day. It doesn't work.

I really should get some sleep now.

These are great! The solar powered flashlight and cross country were my favorites of those!
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 12:44 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting BrickCity101 11
I bought some batteries the other day but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.

LOL
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 12:45 pm
 Group admin 
A mom tells her 2 yr. old son to say goodnight to his sister (5 yrs. old). The son starts coughing and says "I can't mom, the pollen allergies are too bad"
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 12:47 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting David the Fire Ninja Jedi
A mom tells her 2 yr. old son to say goodnight to his sister (5 yrs. old). The son starts coughing and says "I can't mom, the pollen allergies are too bad"

I like that one! lol
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 6:28 pm
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get out of North Korea's missile range.
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 9:47 pm
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Them I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room's all SHINY. :D
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 9:52 pm
Sometimes I'll fill up the tub and then turn on the shower so I can pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 9:54 pm
If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 9:59 pm
Disney World is a people trap that's operated by a mouse.
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 10:00 pm
Quoting BrickCity101 11
I bought some batteries the other day but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.
That's nothing. The other day, I bought some used paint that was in the shape of a house.

Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 10:09 pm
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 10:32 pm
I remember the day the candle factory burned down. Everybody just stood around and sang "Happy Birthday".
Permalink
| May 28, 2013, 10:41 pm
I threw my old laptop in the ocean. Now it's a Dell, rolling in the deep.
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 5:56 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
I threw my old laptop in the ocean. Now it's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

:D!! Awesome one! Oh... Do you have to save up for a new one? :p :D
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 7:04 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get out of North Korea's missile range.

I'm that chicken! :D
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 7:04 pm
 Group admin 
I love just reading through all of these :D
Some good stuff here! :)
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 10:20 pm
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every now and then I would just flick it on and off as I was walking by. That is, until I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 11:13 pm
The only way I can play the harmonica is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.


The last time got I pulled over, the cop asked me, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?". I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 11:18 pm
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Permalink
| May 29, 2013, 11:20 pm
These are great jokes. Are we allowed to post riddles at all?
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 5:45 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
Great stuff. This is almost as good as the Funny/Embarrassing Moments thread!
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 6:39 am
If someone from Finland is called a Finn and someone from Sweden is called a Swede, does that mean someone from Germany is called a Germ?
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 8:13 am
 Group admin 
Quoting Bob the inconceivably invincible
If someone from Finland is called a Finn and someone from Sweden is called a Swede, does that mean someone from Germany is called a Germ?

Maybe there isn't a word like that.
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 8:25 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
I threw my old laptop in the ocean. Now it's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

That is hilarious.
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 10:18 am
Kim Jong Un: I will destroy America!

Barack Obama: Too late.

:D
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 10:23 am
 Group admin 
Quoting Jeremy Shepherd
These are great jokes. Are we allowed to post riddles at all?

Sure!
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 10:26 am
Quoting Jayarbe .
Kim Jong Un: I will destroy America!

Barack Obama: Too late.

:D

The sad thing is, your pretty right. In his defense, the ball started rolling downhill after Reagan and reaganomics (tax less, spend more; sound familiar?). Why then does he get a supercarrier?
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 10:28 am
Quoting Jayarbe .
Kim Jong Un: I will destroy America!

Barack Obama: Too late.

:D
100% true.

Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:06 am
Yo mama so fat Ben Kenobi said "'Thats no moon..thats your mama'"
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:20 am
Two scientist walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O please." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O, too." The second scientist dies; how?

H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide! lol
BD <- smiley face with sunglasses
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 5:51 pm
A guy with a bushy mustache walks up to me and says, "I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later."


Books never written:
Walking a Dog by: Holden D. Leesh

Rubix Cubes by: Salaven d'Mall

Good Movies by: A.M.C.

Being Famous by: Holly Wood
_____
Lego aliens come to Earth and say,"We come in pieces."

Lego skeletons rest in pieces.


Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 6:05 pm
Not sure if somebody already added these, but:

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a bear in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 7:05 pm
why is a forklift so huge if all it does is pick up forks?
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 9:03 pm
Did you see the theatrical performance on puns? It was a play on words.

I tried to catch fog, but I mist.

A koala says,"What do you mean I'm not a bear? I have all of the Koalafications!"
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:29 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
Did you see the theatrical performance on puns? It was a play on words.

I tried to catch fog, but I mist.

A koala says,"What do you mean I'm not a bear? I have all of the Koalafications!"

Hey, are you the rose who's doing the hunger games, or is that someone else?
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:32 pm
When 900 years old you reach. Look as good, you will not. Hmmm ?- Yoda
Maybe!- Elrond
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:36 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
When 900 years old you reach. Look as good, you will not. Hmmm ?- Yoda
Maybe!- Elrond

The Doctor: I don't think so...
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:41 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
When 900 years old you reach. Look as good, you will not. Hmmm ?- Yoda
Maybe!- Elrond

Listen, something urgent is happening in the CYOA of the hunger games. Are you the person named 'rose' who's in that, or am I thinking of another person named 'rose'?
Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:42 pm
Quoting Declan Muller
Hey, are you the rose who's doing the hunger games, or is that someone else?
Yes I'm the rose in the hunger games cyoa

Permalink
| May 30, 2013, 11:50 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
Quoting Declan Muller
Hey, are you the rose who's doing the hunger games, or is that someone else?
Yes I'm the rose in the hunger games cyoa

An animated adaption of the CYOA is being created (by me) and we're really low on female actors. We need as many people as possible to voice their character.

Please check out http://mocpages.com/moc.php/361074 for more information...
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 12:03 am
Quoting Declan Muller
An animated adaption of the CYOA is being created (by me) and we're really low on female actors. We need as many people as possible to voice their character.

Please check out http://mocpages.com/moc.php/361074 for more information...

She does not have the right software.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 12:04 am
Okay, sorry for messing up this thread. Here's a joke:

If john has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have?

Diabetes!

:P
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 12:04 am
Quoting Ian (Currently in Charge of a CYOA)
She does not have the right software.

Oh...
How did you know that?
Wait- don't tell me. Tell me in the other group...
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 12:05 am
There was a biker sitting at a red light. There were chains hanging off of him from everywhere. He had a long, dirty beard, a nasty old bandana tied around his head, and all of that skull and cross bone nonsense. He was riding the biggest, meanest looking Harley Davidson you could possibly imagine.

An 85-year-old man pulled up alongside of him on a moped. He looked at the Harley Davidson and said, "That's a beautiful bike! Can I look at it?". The biker sneered, "YEAH, if you wanna look at it, look at it!".

The old man got off of the moped and looked over every inch of the Harley in amazement. Then he got back on his moped and said, "Boy, I bet that thing goes fast!". The biker thought to himself, "I'll show him how fast it goes."

When the light turned green, the biker popped a wheelie and took off down the road with flames coming out of his tailpipes. Within a few seconds he had a long stretch of road to himself with nobody else in sight. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a little dot on the road far behind him... But it was getting bigger. Something was gaining on him! It flew by him so fast, he couldn't even see what it was. And it disappeared over the horizon into a little dot. The biker thought, "Hey... that looked like the old man on the moped!"

Pretty soon he saw it coming back again in the opposite direction. When it flew by him going the other way, he knew for sure it was the old man! Again, he disappeared into the distance in the biker's rear view mirror.

After a few minutes, the biker saw the old man rapidly gaining on him again. He slammed on his brakes, and the moped crashed into the back of the Harley Davidson, destroying the whole back end of the bike and sending the old man flying.

The biker jumped from the wreckage and ran over to where the old man was laying. He said, "Are you okay?!?! Is there anything I can do for you?!". The old man said, "Yes... could you unhook my suspenders from your handlebars for me?"
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 12:14 am
 Group admin 
When I die, I want to die a peaceful death like my Grandpa. (No he's not dead) Nice and quite, when I'm sleeping. Not like the people in the back of his car screaming.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 12:29 am
Quoting David .
When I die, I want to die a peaceful death like my Grandpa. (No he's not dead) Nice and quite, when I'm sleeping. Not like the people in the back of his car screaming.

I love that joke!
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:04 am
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 5:38 pm
I have three different forms. The first is in cake. The second is used for cleaning. My final form is a sea animal. What am I?
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 5:40 pm
Quoting Jeremy Shepherd
I have three different forms. The first is in cake. The second is used for cleaning. My final form is a sea animal. What am I?

Sponge?
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 5:43 pm
Haha yep

Quoting Timothy Wallace
Sponge?


Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 5:44 pm
Quoting Jeremy Shepherd

Haha, I thought so...
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 5:45 pm
A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.


He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.


As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.


The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.


On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"


"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 6:14 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting David .
When I die, I want to die a peaceful death like my Grandpa. (No he's not dead) Nice and quite, when I'm sleeping. Not like the people in the back of his car screaming.

Oh no! LOL!
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 6:39 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Rose !!!

Wow, these are great!
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 6:41 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews

The biker jumped from the wreckage and ran over to where the old man was laying. He said, "Are you okay?!?! Is there anything I can do for you?!". The old man said, "Yes... could you unhook my suspenders from your handlebars for me?"

LOL! WOW! So funny!
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 6:43 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Rose !!!
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

LOL
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 6:44 pm
What does IDK mean?
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 7:54 pm
Quoting David the Fire Ninja Jedi
LOL
Can you invite my brother Quinn!!! :D to this group?

Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 7:55 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
Quoting David the Fire Ninja Jedi
LOL
Can you invite my brother Quinn!!! :D to this group?

He's already been invited
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:03 pm
Quoting Timothy Wallace
He's already been invited

thanks
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:04 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
thanks

I didn't do it I only went to invite him and found that he already was...
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:09 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
What does IDK mean?

It stands for I Don't Know.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:11 pm
Quoting BrickCity101 11
I Don't Know.
Nobody seems to know ;)

Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:14 pm
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:51 pm
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:52 pm
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:54 pm
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:55 pm
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:56 pm
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:57 pm
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:59 pm
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 8:59 pm
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:01 pm
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:01 pm
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:02 pm
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:07 pm
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:08 pm
If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:10 pm
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:11 pm
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:11 pm
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:12 pm
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:13 pm
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:14 pm
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:16 pm
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:17 pm
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it!
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:17 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Rose !!!
What does IDK mean?

I Don't Know
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:19 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Rose !!!
What does IDK mean?

Never mind, i get it now lol
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:21 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Quinn !!!!! :D
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
Hey, could you limit how many comments you post in here? (I'm not trying to be rude, but right now I have like 20 comments that I have to approve from you) It's not because they're inappropriate, you're just new to Mocpages, so everything you do gets sent to us admins, until you add a creation. (That gets approved)

Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:52 pm
Quoting David .
Quoting Quinn !!!!! :D
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
Hey, could you limit how many comments you post in here? (I'm not trying to be rude, but right now I have like 20 comments that I have to approve from you) It's not because they're inappropriate, you're just new to Mocpages, so everything you do gets sent to us admins, until you add a creation. (That gets approved)
So add more puns, right.(SARCASTIC)

Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 9:57 pm
Quoting Quinn !!!!! :D
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Q: What's the difference between a guy going up the stairs and a guy at the bottom of the stairs?

A: One steps up the stairs and one stares up the steps.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 10:02 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Quinn !!!!! :D
Quoting David .
Quoting Quinn !!!!! :D
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
Hey, could you limit how many comments you post in here? (I'm not trying to be rude, but right now I have like 20 comments that I have to approve from you) It's not because they're inappropriate, you're just new to Mocpages, so everything you do gets sent to us admins, until you add a creation. (That gets approved)
So add more puns, right.(SARCASTIC)
WOW. Does it get any cheesier? Naw, just instead of writing individual comments, add all the puns to one comment. Please don't re-add, I don't want to delete them all after I approve them. :P

Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 10:02 pm
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 10:04 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Quinn !!!!! :D
Quoting David .
you're just new to Mocpages, so everything you do gets sent to us admins, until you add a creation. (That gets approved)
So add more puns, right.(SARCASTIC)

Seriously though, add a creation so your comments don't go into moderation.
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 10:37 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting michael k.
Seriously though, add a creation so your comments don't go into moderation.

Did you get any of them? I could use some help here. :/
Permalink
| May 31, 2013, 11:37 pm
 Group moderator 
When he checked his activity, he was freaked out. HE WAS DEMOTED!

This may be a true story.
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 12:00 am
 Group admin 
Quoting I Me is grounded
When he checked his activity, he was freaked out. HE WAS DEMOTED!

This may be a true story.

Wut?
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 12:14 am
Quoting I Me is grounded
When he checked his activity, he was freaked out. HE WAS DEMOTED!

This may be a true story.

Are you talking about Taka?
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 12:16 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Timothy Wallace
Are you talking about Taka?


No. I'm talking about ME! It can happen someday.
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 12:30 am
Quoting I Me's MOCiversary is coming up!

No. I'm talking about ME! It can happen someday.

Hmm yeah... Though I don't think it will happen for a long time...
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 12:36 am
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 11:27 pm
I went to a doctor, and all he did was suck blood from my neck. DO NOT go see Dr. Acula.
Permalink
| June 1, 2013, 11:28 pm
There once was a magic mirror which would kill your if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 12:33 am
When youre doing laundry, the clothes start out dry in the cleaner and end up clean in the dryer.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 7:28 am
 Group admin 
Quoting David .
Did you get any of them? I could use some help here. :/

No. I don't think moderators can. I don't get emails, and there's no link that I've found.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 7:43 am
 Group admin 
Quoting David .
Did you get any of them? I could use some help here. :/

Never mind, I got one.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 7:56 am
 Group admin 
Quoting michael k.
Never mind, I got one.
Thanks man.

Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 12:44 pm
1: It was so quiet, you could hear a pun drop.
2: The soldier who survived attacks of mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
3: A kid asks his dad "You want to hear a corny joke?" The dad says "I'm all ears" in a husky tone.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 3:01 pm
The Energizer bunny was arrested: charged with battery.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 3:03 pm
There's a new type of fishing pole, and I'm hooked.
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 7:58 pm
A man and his wife called a taxi to take them into town for dinner at an expensive restaurant.The cab pulled up, and just as they were about to get in, the husband realized that he forgot to put the cat out. He said to his wife, "I'm gonna go put the cat out. You go tell the driver I'll be right back." Now, she didn't want the cab driver to know the house was going to be empty, because he might round up his buddies and rob the place while they were gone. So she told the driver, "My husband will be right back. He's just checking on my elderly mom before we go." The cab driver said, "Okay, no problem." A few minutes went by before the husband finally came out. He was covered in sweat, his tie was all loose and pulled over to one side, and his clothes were all wrinkled. He sat down in the cab, closed the door, and said, "I found the old h@g underneath the bed upstairs, and she tried to bite me when I reached under there. So I got her out of there with a broom and chased her down the stairs and into the living room. Then I caught her by the back of the neck, threw her out the back door and slammed it behind her!!! Let's go."
Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 10:26 pm
I got some skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.


Permalink
| June 2, 2013, 11:28 pm
A hearse at the head of a funeral procession was nearing the top of a steep hill when suddenly, the casket broke free and popped out of the back of the hearse. All of the other cars in the procession had to dodge the casket as it flew down the hill and through an intersection across several lanes of traffic, where it barely missed getting hit by multiple cars and ended up going through the front door of a pharmacy. When the pharmacist looked up and saw the casket come flying in through the door, he turned to the clerk behind the counter and asked, "Hey, we got anything to stop that coffin?"
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 1:05 am
I live on a one-way dead end street. I have no idea how I got here.
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 2:45 pm
A guy was driving his not-so-bright girlfriend home after watching her first football game. "So, what did you think?" he asked her. She replied, "Well, I thought it was kind of d*mb that all of those grown men would get into such a big fight over twenty-five cents." Confused, he asked, "Twenty-five cents? What are you talking about?". She said, "The referee flipped a coin, and then those guys all started tackling each other while the crowd screamed at them to GET THE QUARTER BACK!!!"
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 2:52 pm
Today, I was at a day camp firing a bow and arrows. The range master said,"Fire at will." Will suffered a sad and tragic death. Poor Will.
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 5:56 pm
Quoting Achintya Prasad
Your mother is so fat, we are all concerned for her health.
(That is actually an Anti-Joke, learn more from Vsauce on youtube)

Um..... Shouldn't you be posting regular jokes instead of Anti-Jokes?
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 7:28 pm
Quoting BrickCity101 11
Um..... Shouldn't you be posting regular jokes instead of Anti-Jokes?

yeah!
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 7:34 pm
If you were walking along the Canadian-American border with somebody, and you shoved them over to the Canadian side, could they shove you back right away, or would they have to go through customs first?

"What brings you to Canada today, sir?"

"That j@rk over there!!!"

"And how long will you be with us?"

"Until I regain my equilibrium."
Permalink
| June 3, 2013, 7:47 pm
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

A dyslexic agnostic doesn't know if he believe in Dog.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

I get my large circumference from too much pi.

He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.

When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

I'm inclined to be laid back.

I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

The tightrope walker had a well balanced diet.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 4:43 pm
The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

He has been a jogger for three years running.
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 5:10 pm
There was an old man ,with an accent, who was running down a hill. Then he shouted to two men walking by," Run It's a bacon tree". The two men were confused. So they went up the hill. When they reached the top, they saw hundreds of archers firing at them. They ran back to the man, and they told him," There was no bacon tree". Then he responded,"Bacon tree, no, that's not the right word. Ah, yes I remember, not a bacon tree, a ham bush." (Think about his accent)
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 8:28 pm
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

Math teachers have lots of problems.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'

.When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.

I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor, that's just beneath me.


Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 8:51 pm
 Group moderator 
My hole life has just dropped.

My gun caught fire!

I used to work at a prison, but it was always locked and I couldn't get in.

My Lightdrive (Spaceship) burned out!
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 9:08 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
A guy was driving his not-so-bright girlfriend home after watching her first football game. "So, what did you think?" he asked her. She replied, "Well, I thought it was kind of d*mb that all of those grown men would get into such a big fight over twenty-five cents." Confused, he asked, "Twenty-five cents? What are you talking about?". She said, "The referee flipped a coin, and then those guys all started tackling each other while the crowd screamed at them to GET THE QUARTER BACK!!!"

LOL!
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 10:24 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting BrickCity101 11
I got some skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.


hehehe
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 10:25 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting technyk 32
1: It was so quiet, you could hear a pun drop.
2: The soldier who survived attacks of mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
3: A kid asks his dad "You want to hear a corny joke?" The dad says "I'm all ears" in a husky tone.

Nice! Nice!
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 10:25 pm
A man went into a pet store one day and said to the clerk, "I can't get my parrot to talk. What should I do?". The clerk said, "Tune the radio to a talk show or a news station and put it next to his cage. He'll eventually start repeating what he hears on the radio." The man said, "Okay, I'll try it." and left.

The man came back the next day and said, "The radio didn't help. He's still not talking." So the clerk said, "Okay, then put a small mirror in his cage with him. He should start talking if he looks at his reflection long enough." The man said "Okay." and left.

The man came walking in again the next day, and said, "The mirror didn't work either. I don't know what else to try." So the clerk said, "The only other thing I can think of would be to play loud music for him and hope he starts to repeat the lyrics to the songs." Unsure if it would work, the man said "Alright..." and left again.

A few days later, the man came running in and said "He talked!!! He finally said something! But then he fell over DEAD!". Shocked, the clerk said, "You're kidding me! What did he say?!" and the man replied, "Doesn't that pet shop have any BIRDSEED?!"
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 10:33 pm
I bought a greyhound and a rabbit at the same time. I haven't seen either one of them since.
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 10:36 pm
A burglar broke into a house one night and started to take stuff from the shelves and cupboards, when he heard a squeaky voice somewhere in the darkness, saying "Jesus is watching... Jesus is watching... Jesus is watching."

Freaked out, the man turned on a flashlight and searched around the room until he found the source of the voice. It was a parrot sitting a perch in the corner. He walked up to the bird and asked, "What's your name?" and the parrot replied, "Moses." The burglar said, "What?! What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?". The parrot leaned in very closely and quietly replied, "The same kind of people who would name a German shepherd Jesus."
Permalink
| June 4, 2013, 10:54 pm
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have any. So I bought a cake.

The depressing thing about tennis is, no matter how good you get, you'll never be as good as a wall.

Tap dancers would drive me crazy if I could understand morse code.
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 1:22 pm
Hmmmm, they say revenge is sweet. But they also say revenge is a dish best served cold....that must mean revenge is ice cream?
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 1:35 pm
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man"

Wow, two men in that grave.
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 2:54 pm
Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 2:56 pm
Also, I would suggest a part 2 to the joke thread since this one's getting so long.
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 3:27 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

That's funny!
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 3:30 pm
I went to a furniture store the other day looking for a decaffinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 7:30 pm
One day a man living in a apartment high-rise decided to turn his air-conditioner ( which happened to be one of those window-mounted ones ) around so it was facing the outside. About an hour later, the man was watching the weather channel, where the weatherman said, " I don't get it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees. Instead it's 55. " All the man could say was " Oops. ".
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 7:45 pm
Why are there phone bills in a country of free speech?
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 7:48 pm
This has got to be the corniest joke ever.

Q: Why did the giant worm invade New York City?

A: Because it was looking for the "Big Apple".

Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 7:51 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting The Journeyman Ranger
Hmmmm, they say revenge is sweet. But they also say revenge is a dish best served cold....that must mean revenge is ice cream?

hehehe! :D
Permalink
| June 5, 2013, 10:21 pm
A sergeant in the army walked up to the back of a personnel carrier full of new recruits in training, and yelled to them, "All you idi@ts fall out NOW!!!" and they all came scrambling out of the carrier, except for one recruit in the very back. After everybody else got out, he looked at the sergeant and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't there, Sarge?"
Permalink
| June 6, 2013, 12:43 am
A concerned sergeant is looking on as one of his recruits goes around picking up every little piece of paper he finds, turning them over in his hands, and saying, "That's not it... That's not it... That's not it." So the sergeant takes him to a psychiatrist, who unfortunately finds that the recruit is deranged. The sergeant said, "I'm sorry son, but we're going to have to let you go." and started writing the discharge for the recruit. When he finished writing, he slid it across his desk to the recruit, who picked it up and said with excitement, "THAT'S IT!!!"
Permalink
| June 6, 2013, 12:52 am
The crew of a 1700's British sailing ship is about to go into battle with a Spanish ship they've been chasing. The captain turns to one of the shipmates and says, "Sailor! Bring me my red coat!". The sailor brings it to the captain, who wears it through the whole battle. After they just barely win the fight, the sailor comes back to the captain and asks, "Why did you wear the red coat during the battle, Captain?". The captain said, "We were about to go into battle where I might get shot. I didn't want the men to be discouraged if they saw me bleeding. And they can't see me bleeding if I wear my red coat."

A few days later, they were sailing in the same area when they saw another Spanish ship coming up behind them. And then another one appeared on the horizon in front of them. And more just kept showing up on the left, AND the right. They were surrounded! The captain turns to the same mate and says in a squeaky, choked-up voice, "Sailor... Bring me my brown pants!!!"
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 12:03 pm
I saw a man with wooden legs and real feet.
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 4:03 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
I saw a man with wooden legs and real feet.

I thought you were real for a second!
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 4:05 pm
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Did you see the clown at Walmart, who hides from fools?

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 5:11 pm
There were 2 muffins in an oven. One says,"It's hot in here!" The other says,"Ahh! A talking muffin!
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 6:30 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
There were 2 muffins in an oven. One says,"It's hot in here!" The other says,"Ahh! A talking muffin!

That's actually pretty funny.
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 6:38 pm
 Group moderator 
A man went into a restaurant. When the waiter came to his table, the man demanded the air conditioner to be turned up because he was too cold. Then five minutes later, he demanded that the AC would be turned down because he was too hot. And so on, for about an hour. Another customer asked why the waiter didn't throw out the man who was asking about the AC. The waiter then said: "We don't even have an AC!"
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 10:36 pm
When I was really bored one day I went over to a tourist information booth and asked the guy there, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 11:45 pm
I wrote a song one time and sent it to a record label place. I never heard back from them. After a few months I forgot the music and lyrics. Now whenever I hear a good song on the radio, I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that!"
Permalink
| June 7, 2013, 11:50 pm
Thinking about the past brings back so many memories.

Because it's summer I can stay up late so I'll be here for a while.

Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 12:00 am
I got pulled over the other day. The cop said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?". I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 12:03 am
A man orders a pizza for delivery. The pizza place guy said, "Your pizza should be there by 8:15." The time was 7:30. The man said, "The middle of August? What kind of pizza place are you!?"
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 12:20 am
A man asks his not-so-bright friend to come up with a motto for the man's new laundromat. A next day, opening day, the man noticed a bunch of people in their underwear walking in with their pants in their hands. The man, puzzled, walked outside where he discovered what his motto ended up being:

DROP YOUR PANTS HERE!!!
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 12:35 am
I bought some camoflauge pants the other day. I can't find them.
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 12:41 am
Did you hear the story about the germ? Never mind, I don't want it to spread.
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 12:43 am
 Group moderator 
Please do not flood the chat Brick City.
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 3:08 am
Quoting I Me's MOCiversary is coming up!
Please do not flood the chat Brick City.

Sorry. If you want I can delete some of the comments to make room for others.
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 10:24 am
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 8:49 pm
Quoting this idi@t again
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
I got to the front of the store, and there were people splattered all around who had missed. Then I went inside, and the greeter asked, "May I help you, sir?" and I said, "Nope, just practicing."
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 10:08 pm
I don't know if this one has been added yet but here's mine:

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. They each order a mug of beer. Upon receiving there beverages, they each find a fly in them. The Englishman, disgusted, demands his money back and storms out of the bar. The Scotsman shrugs, flicks the fly out of his beer and begins to drink. The Irishman picks up the fly by his wings and screams 'SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!!!'
Permalink
| June 8, 2013, 10:24 pm
A lady looked outside one day and was horrified to see her german shepherd shaking the life out of her neighbor's pet rabbit. She'd had problems with this neighbor before, and this was only going to make things worse.

So she grabbed a broom, ran outside and smacked the dog repeatedly with it until he dropped the rabbit, which was now covered with dog spit and extremely.... dead.

She picked the rabbit up on the end of the broom, carried it inside and laid it down in the bottom of her bathtub. Then she turned on the shower and began to rinse off the rabbit's lifeless little body. When that side was clean, she flipped him over and rinsed off the other side. Then she blew it dry and combed it. This rabbit looked GOOD.

Then she waited until the neighbor left on an errand. As soon as the neighbor was gone, she hopped over the fence and propped the rabbit up in its cage, then hopped back over the fence and ran back inside. All she could do now was wait.

A few hours later, she heard the neighbor screaming hysterically, and came running out pretending she didn't know what was going on. "What happened?! What happened?!" she asked. Her neighbor came running up to the fence and said excitedly, "Our rabbit!!! He died last week, and we buried him... And he's BACK!!!"
Permalink
| June 9, 2013, 9:21 pm
I tried to edit a comment that got moderated before, and it got moderated AGAIN. (sorry)
Permalink
| June 10, 2013, 2:06 am
Q: A priest, a rabbi, an astronaut, and a race car driver walked into a bar. What did the bartender say?

A: "Get out."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| June 10, 2013, 9:15 pm
A guy sitting at the bar had had a few too many drinks, and said, "Bartender, gimme a drink." And the bartender said, "No, you've had too much already. You need to go home now." Irritated, the man said, "FINE!!" and staggered out the door. A few minutes later, he came staggering back in and said, "Bartender, give me a drink!" and the bartender said, "I told you already, you've had too much. Go home!" And the man staggered back out again with a confused look on his face. Sure enough, he came staggering back in a few minutes later, and very loudly said, "Bartender! Gimme a drink!" The bartender started to argue, but the drunk man cut him off mid sentence and said, "Hey... Hey... just how many bars do you work at?"
Permalink
| June 10, 2013, 9:26 pm
A drunk guy sitting at the bar turns to the man sitting to his right and says, "Shay, didjou shpill a glash of beeeeer on me?" The man said, "No, of course not." So he turns to the guy sitting to his left and asks, "Shay... Didjou shpill... a glash of beer on me?" and the guy says, "Nope, not me." Then the drunk man looks down at his lap and says, "Jusht what I thought... an inshide job."
Permalink
| June 10, 2013, 9:32 pm
A man is walking past the front lawn of an insane asylum, which is surrounded by a high wooden fence that he can't see over. He can hear a bunch of excited voices on the other side of the fence, saying over and over again, "Twenty-one! Twenty-one! Twenty-one!" He has no idea what's going on, but near the corner of the fence he can see a knothole in one of the boards. So he runs up to the knothole, and just as he tries to look through it, a finger comes through it from the other side and pokes him right in the eye! And then all of the voices on the other side of the fence start chanting, "Twenty-TWO! Twenty-two! Twenty-two!"
Permalink
| June 11, 2013, 10:27 pm
 Group moderator 
A..... Hem.

"Hey Jane, where is our daschund? I want to try and give it this diet dog food."

"No honey, but how much did these sausages cost? They're the biggest I've ever seen!"
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 12:22 pm
If pro is the opposite of con, then progress must be the opposite of con_____.
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 2:36 pm
A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding. When he walks up to the driver's side window, he sees a lady sitting in the passenger's seat, and another man asleep in the back seat. He asks the driver, "You realize I pulled you over for speeding, right?" The driver says, "Oh, I thought it was because of our expired license plates." The trooper says, "What?! your plates are expired? Let me see your driver's license." The man said, "I don't have one." Stunned, the trooper asks, "You were driving without a license?!" Just then the woman in the passenger's seat says, "Oh, he always says that when he's drunk!" The trooper's jaw dropped. "You were driving DRUNK?!?!" The man in the back seat wakes up, sees the state trooper, and says, "OH NO!!! I knew we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!" The trooper steps back. "You're driving a STOLEN car?!" Suddenly there's a knocking noise from inside the trunk of the car, and a voice says, "Hey, seņor! We across the border yet?" The trooper goes running back to his cruiser and screams into his radio, "Backup! I need BACKUP!!!" The drunk driver says, "Okaaaaay..." and backs his car up, crashing into the front of the trooper's cruiser.


The end....?
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 2:56 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
If pro is the opposite of con, then progress must be the opposite of con_____.

I've heard this joke before! LOL
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 3:57 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding. When he walks up to the driver's side window, he sees a lady sitting in the passenger's seat, and another man asleep in the back seat. He asks the driver, "You realize I pulled you over for speeding, right?" The driver says, "Oh, I thought it was because of our expired license plates." The trooper says, "What?! your plates are expired? Let me see your driver's license." The man said, "I don't have one." Stunned, the trooper asks, "You were driving without a license?!" Just then the woman in the passenger's seat says, "Oh, he always says that when he's drunk!" The trooper's jaw dropped. "You were driving DRUNK?!?!" The man in the back seat wakes up, sees the state trooper, and says, "OH NO!!! I knew we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!" The trooper steps back. "You're driving a STOLEN car?!" Suddenly there's a knocking noise from inside the trunk of the car, and a voice says, "Hey, seņor! We across the border yet?" The trooper goes running back to his cruiser and screams into his radio, "Backup! I need BACKUP!!!" The drunk driver says, "Okaaaaay..." and backs his car up, crashing into the front of the trooper's cruiser.


The end....?

That's hilarious!
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:09 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
A state trooper pulls a man over for speeding. When he walks up to the driver's side window, he sees a lady sitting in the passenger's seat, and another man asleep in the back seat. He asks the driver, "You realize I pulled you over for speeding, right?" The driver says, "Oh, I thought it was because of our expired license plates." The trooper says, "What?! your plates are expired? Let me see your driver's license." The man said, "I don't have one." Stunned, the trooper asks, "You were driving without a license?!" Just then the woman in the passenger's seat says, "Oh, he always says that when he's drunk!" The trooper's jaw dropped. "You were driving DRUNK?!?!" The man in the back seat wakes up, sees the state trooper, and says, "OH NO!!! I knew we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!" The trooper steps back. "You're driving a STOLEN car?!" Suddenly there's a knocking noise from inside the trunk of the car, and a voice says, "Hey, seņor! We across the border yet?" The trooper goes running back to his cruiser and screams into his radio, "Backup! I need BACKUP!!!" The drunk driver says, "Okaaaaay..." and backs his car up, crashing into the front of the trooper's cruiser.


The end....?

OMFG! that is freaking amazing. Is there a part 2?
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:12 pm
Quoting Zach Eli "Sierra" Sykes
Is there a part 2?
Not that I know of...

Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:32 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Zach Eli "Sierra" Sykes
Is there a part 2?
Not that I know of...

Then we oughta make one. That deserves a part 2.
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:34 pm
Quoting Zach Eli "Sierra" Sykes
Then we oughta make one. That deserves a part 2.
Maybe. I think that's one my sister and I made up years ago, if I remember correctly.

Either that, or we heard it from a friend's cousin's neighbor's uncle's sister-in-law's brother's mom. (???)
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:41 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Zach Eli "Sierra" Sykes
Then we oughta make one. That deserves a part 2.
Maybe. I think that's one my sister and I made up years ago, if I remember correctly.

Either that, or we heard it from a friend's cousin's neighbor's uncle's sister-in-law's brother's mom. (???)

Talk about through the grapevine . . .
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:45 pm
Not really a joke, but a funny true story from Paul Harvey.

There was a crowd gathering around a man who had just passed out in the parking lot of a Shell gas station. He suddenly regained consciousness, looked up, screamed, and took off running. A few people from the crowd managed to catch up with him and calm him down. When they asked him why he freaked out, he explained, "I blacked out in front of a Shell station. When I came to, somebody's head was blocking the "S" on the sign."
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:48 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Not really a joke, but a funny true story from Paul Harvey.

There was a crowd gathering around a man who had just passed out in the parking lot of a Shell gas station. He suddenly regained consciousness, looked up, screamed, and took off running. A few people from the crowd managed to catch up with him and calm him down. When they asked him why he freaked out, he explained, "I blacked out in front of a Shell station. When I came to, somebody's head was blocking the "S" on the sign."

I'm not even gonna ask where you get all these, its obviously above my pay grade.
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 6:58 pm
Quoting Zach Eli "Sierra" Sykes
Then we oughta make one. That deserves a part 2.
Okay, okay. The trooper gets out of the wrecked cruiser and asks the drunk driver, "I bet you don't have insurance on a stolen car either." And the drunk guy says, "Nope."




I tried.
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 7:02 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Zach Eli "Sierra" Sykes
Then we oughta make one. That deserves a part 2.
Okay, okay. The trooper gets out of the wrecked cruiser and asks the drunk driver, "I bet you don't have insurance on a stolen car either." And the drunk guy says, "Nope."




I tried.

Well, I'd call that the icing on the cake.
Permalink
| June 12, 2013, 7:05 pm
Hmmm....I'm thinking of a number...PI!
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| June 12, 2013, 7:52 pm
James Bond's brother-in-law was once prime minister. He was known as... Kevin 07
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| June 13, 2013, 6:18 am
An old lady was all alone in her house late one night when she heard one of her windows shatter, and then what sounded like footsteps. There was a burglar in the house! She realized that if the burglar didn't know she was home, she might be able to make him leave by startling him. When the footsteps got close to her bedroom door, she very loudly tried to quote scripture, but she could only remember the reference to the verse she wanted to quote. "Acts 2:38!" she said, and then the footsteps stopped. He was right outside her door now. Again, she said "Acts 2:38!!!" but she couldn't remember the verse. All was quiet, when suddenly the burglar said, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Call the police, I'll turn myself in!" When the cops arrived to arrest the burglar, one of them asked him, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was try and quote scripture and you stopped in your tracks." The burglar said, "No, she said she had an ax and two .38's!"
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| June 15, 2013, 12:03 am
A police officer walked up to the driver's side window of a car he had pulled over. He could see there was an older lady driving, and next to her on the passenger's seat was a revolver. He asked, "Mam, are there any other weapons in the car that I should know about?" She said, "Yes, I have a .380 in my purse, another revolver in the glovebox, a .45 auto under my seat, and my husband's old shotgun in the trunk." The officer said, "That's a lot of firepower for one person. What are you scared of?" And she replied with a smile, "Nothing."
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| June 15, 2013, 7:08 pm
A pun in Legos: <a href=http://mocpages.com/moc.php/362223 /a>
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| June 16, 2013, 10:02 am
Did you hear about the fortune-telling midget who escaped from jail? He's a small medium at large.
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| June 20, 2013, 11:26 am
This midget is in a car accident, and he's furious because he knows it's not his fault. He gets out of his car, slams the door, walks up to the other driver, and says, "I want you to know that I'm NOT HAPPY!" And the other driver asks, "Well, then which one are you?!"
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| June 20, 2013, 11:29 am
My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them.

Foosball is really just a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?
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| June 20, 2013, 11:37 am
A man waiting in line for the register at a grocery store picked up a magazine off of the rack and started to read it. The clerk at the register said "Sir, this isn't a library." The man replied, "Okay, I'll talk louder then."
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| June 22, 2013, 5:51 pm
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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| June 22, 2013, 5:54 pm
I always thought it would be fun to hook my brake lights up to the accelerator pedal. I'd step on the gas, and the people behind me would jump on the brakes while I disappear into the distance and leave them all confused.
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| June 22, 2013, 5:58 pm
Quoting Rose !!!
A guy with a bushy mustache walks up to me and says, "I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later."


I do that to my wife. Every so often I have to shave my goatee for work stuff, but first i cut it into a question mark going around my mouth, and i ask stupid facial hair trivia questions of my wife and kids until they beg me to stop. I act like its a game show called "I mustache you a question".

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| June 22, 2013, 6:07 pm
If the parade you're watching is boring, DO NOT walk in the same direction the parade is going, or it'll never change. Instead, run in the opposite direction, and you'll fast-forward the parade.
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| June 25, 2013, 10:14 pm
WARNING!! WARNING!! BLOND JOKE AHEAD!! WARNING!! WARNING!!

A blond walks into a library and goes to the front desk.
"I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER, A LARGE COKE AND A MEDIUM FRIES! ADD BACON TO EVERYTHING!" she yells to the librarian.

With a puzzled look on her face (mixed with fright after being yelled at) she calmly adjusts her granny glasses and says: "Mam, this is the library."

"oh," the blond says, her voice dropping to a whisper. "i'll have a cheeseburger, a large coke and a medium fries. add bacon to everything."
Permalink
| June 25, 2013, 10:49 pm
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.

"What seems to be the trouble?" he asks.

"Well," the frog begins, "it all started out with a bump on my but(t"
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| June 25, 2013, 10:51 pm
There once were three divorced women. They had been very rich but their husbands had only married them, taken claim to the money and ditched them. The three women went into exile on a secluded island in the ocean.

One day as they were exploring about, they found a lamp. Upon rubbing it, a genie appeared!

"One wish to each, I shall grant," he said. "But a catch, there is. Anything you wish for, two times as much, will your former husband receive."

"I want my house and money back!" one of the ladies blurted out.

"I want my house and money too!" the second said quickly.

"Very well," the Genie said. "Behold, it is as you have said."

Soon the women were whisked away to their houses and fortunes.

"And what would you like?" the Genie asked the last woman.

"Well," she said, "I want to be beaten half to death!"
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| June 25, 2013, 10:57 pm
Three construction workers sat down on the top of a skyscraper during their lunch break. One of them was a blond.

The firs one opened his lunch-box and there was a ham sandwich.

"I swear, if I get another ham sandwich, I will jump off this skyscraper!" he said, indignantly.

The second opened his box and their was a turkey sandwich.

"I swear, if I get another turkey sandwich, I will jump off this skyscraper!"

The blond finally opened his lunchbox and there was a boiled egg.

"I swear, if I get another boiled egg, I will jump off this skyscraper!"

*****

The next day the workers were in the same place, opening lunch-boxes.

The first one opened his and lo! and behold! a ham sandwich rested in the bottom. He threw his box from the top and dove off the side after it, falling to his d00m.

The second opened his box and lo! and behold! a turkey sandwich rested in the bottom. He threw his box from the top and cannon-balled to his d00m.

The blond finally opened his lunchbox and lo! and behold! a boiled egg rested in the bottom. HE screamed and smashed his lunchbox into the roof of the sky-scraper and ran, tripping on the edge of the building, falling to his d00m.

A few days later, a funeral for all three workers was held on the same day. When the wives of the other two asked why the blond's wife was not crying but looking rather puzzled instead, her reply was:
'I don't know why he jumped; he packed his own lunch."
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| June 25, 2013, 11:06 pm
After losing $2000 in a card game with his friends, Frank has a massive heart attack and falls out of his chair. He's dead before he hits the floor. His buddies have no idea how to tell his wife, so they all go together to try and tell her what happened. One of them starts by saying, "Uh, Frank lost $2000 in a card game, and--" Frank's wife cuts the guy off mid sentence, and angrily says, "He lost HOW MUCH?!?! Tell him to drop dead!!!"
Permalink
| June 25, 2013, 11:15 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
After losing $2000 in a card game with his friends, Frank has a massive heart attack and falls out of his chair. He's dead before he hits the floor. His buddies have no idea how to tell his wife, so they all go together to try and tell her what happened. One of them starts by saying, "Uh, Frank lost $2000 in a card game, and--" Frank's wife cuts the guy off mid sentence, and angrily says, "He lost HOW MUCH?!?! Tell him to drop dead!!!"

'Oh well, that simplifies things,' his friends agree on the way back to the card room.
Permalink
| June 25, 2013, 11:43 pm
Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Open the door and lettuce in!
Permalink
| June 27, 2013, 10:41 pm
Three guys were stranded on an island.

The first guy decided he could swim back to the main-land as is wasn't too hard. He dove into the water and began swimming, but halfway there he got a cramp and drowned.

The second guy decided to build a raft. So he built a raft and shoved it out. But the vines he had used to hold it together broke in the water and he was eaten by a shark.

The third guy took the bridge.
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| June 27, 2013, 10:45 pm
Three more guys are on an island. One has high intelligence, one has average intelligence and one has low intelligence. The beach from the island is 50 kilometres.

The guy with high intelligence tries to swim, gets ten kilometres and drowns.

The guy with average intelligence tries to swim, gets thirty kilometres and gets eaten by a shark.

The guy with low intelligence tries to swim, gets fourty-nine kilometres and swims back because he gets tired...

:P
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| June 27, 2013, 10:51 pm
A blond lady was walking down the street and stopped outside of a hardware store. She walked inside and said: 'I'd like to buy the TV in the window.'

The owner said: 'Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.'

The lady left and came back the next day, her hair died black.

"I'd like to buy the TV in the window."

"Sorry mam, we don't sell to blondes."

She left and came back the next day, her hair died pink.

"I'd like to buy the TV in the window."

"Sorry mam, we don't sell to blondes."

She came back again the next day with rainbow colored hair in a mowhawk.

"I'd like to buy the Tv in the window."

"Sorry mam, we don't sell to blondes."

"Now Wait! How could you tell I was a blond when my hair has been different the last three days?!?"

"Well to start with, that's a microwave."
Permalink
| June 27, 2013, 10:52 pm
Quoting Declan Muller
Three more guys are on an island. One has high intelligence, one has average intelligence and one has low intelligence. The beach from the island is 50 kilometres.

The guy with high intelligence tries to swim, gets ten kilometres and drowns.

The guy with average intelligence tries to swim, gets thirty kilometres and gets eaten by a shark.

The guy with low intelligence tries to swim, gets fourty-nine kilometres and swims back because he gets tired...

:P

That's a great one. I've always heard it told that he swam halfway there and then got tired and swam back but this is more funny!
Permalink
| June 27, 2013, 10:57 pm
The smartest man in the world, the strongest man in the world and boy scout were passengers on an airplane, about to crash into an active volcano. There were only three parachutes, so one of them would have to stay behind.

"The world needs me!" said the strongest man and, grabbing a parachute, he jumped from the plane.

"The world needs me!" said the smartest man and, grabbing a parachute, he jumped from the plane.

"Kid," the pilot said to the Boy Scout. "You've got your whole life ahead of you, I'm just an old guy. Take the last parachute and jump."

"Oh don't worry," the Boy Scout said, beaming. "The Smartest man in the world took my backpack!"
Permalink
| June 27, 2013, 11:01 pm
Quoting Declan Muller
Three more guys are on an island. One has high intelligence, one has average intelligence and one has low intelligence. The beach from the island is 50 kilometres.

The guy with high intelligence tries to swim, gets ten kilometres and drowns.

The guy with average intelligence tries to swim, gets thirty kilometres and gets eaten by a shark.

The guy with low intelligence tries to swim, gets fourty-nine kilometres and swims back because he gets tired...

:P

Haha, That's hilarious!
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| June 27, 2013, 11:02 pm
A man gets into a taxi cab at the airport and tells the driver where to go. What was supposed to be a 5-minute ride eventually turns into 10 minutes. Concerned that the driver might not know where he's going, the man taps the cab driver on the shoulder and starts to ask him a question. But when he does, the cab driver screams, swerves out of control, jumps a curb, cuts across several lanes of oncoming traffic, and sideswipes a truck before finally coming to a stop in an empty parking lot. The man digs his fingernails out of the back of the seat, and asks the driver, "What was that all about? I only tapped you on the shoulder." The cab driver said, "Sorry, this is my first day driving a cab. Before I had this job, I used to drive a hearse."
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| June 29, 2013, 4:20 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
A man gets into a taxi cab at the airport and tells the driver where to go. What was supposed to be a 5-minute ride eventually turns into 10 minutes. Concerned that the driver might not know where he's going, the man taps the cab driver on the shoulder and starts to ask him a question. But when he does, the cab driver screams, swerves out of control, jumps a curb, cuts across several lanes of oncoming traffic, and sideswipes a truck before finally coming to a stop in an empty parking lot. The man digs his fingernails out of the back of the seat, and asks the driver, "What was that all about? I only tapped you on the shoulder." The cab driver said, "Sorry, this is my first day driving a cab. Before I had this job, I used to drive a hearse."

lol
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| June 29, 2013, 5:06 pm
"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"The KGB."

"The KGB who?"

"WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!!"
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| July 1, 2013, 10:24 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"The KGB."

"The KGB who?"

"WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!!"

Ha ha.

Someone makes a call to Britain. He heres some breathing on the other end of the line, and no one is talking. Who is it?


(NSA, duh!)

Yeah, I have no humor ;-(
Permalink
| July 1, 2013, 10:35 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Evan 'Beardless Dwarf' Botkin
The smartest man in the world, the strongest man in the world and boy scout were passengers on an airplane, about to crash into an active volcano. There were only three parachutes, so one of them would have to stay behind.

"The world needs me!" said the strongest man and, grabbing a parachute, he jumped from the plane.

"The world needs me!" said the smartest man and, grabbing a parachute, he jumped from the plane.

"Kid," the pilot said to the Boy Scout. "You've got your whole life ahead of you, I'm just an old guy. Take the last parachute and jump."

"Oh don't worry," the Boy Scout said, beaming. "The Smartest man in the world took my backpack!"

I've heard that as a blond joke.
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| July 1, 2013, 10:41 pm
Quoting Achintya Prasad
Ha ha.

Someone makes a call to Britain. He heres some breathing on the other end of the line, and no one is talking. Who is it?


(NSA, duh!)

Yeah, I have no humor ;-(
Sometimes I'll say random stup!d things into my cell phone, in case somebody's actually listening.

Permalink
| July 2, 2013, 12:14 am
why did the chicken cross the road upside down?







(he wanted to get to the other side of the road
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| July 2, 2013, 8:19 am
Two Scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says,"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The second scientist says, "I'll have some water too. Why did you say H2O? I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work."

The first scientist stares into his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
Permalink
| July 8, 2013, 11:12 am
Quoting Declan Muller
The Doctor: I don't think so...

Yep that is right.
Permalink
| July 8, 2013, 5:35 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Ian .
Two Scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says,"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The second scientist says, "I'll have some water too. Why did you say H2O? I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work."

The first scientist stares into his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

hehe I heard the one where he dies.
Permalink
| July 8, 2013, 5:37 pm
1000 Mexicans illegally cross into the United States.

How many cars were involved?

3.

HAH, I'm an bad person..

Just kidding though, it is a joke. I have a couple friends from Mexico, so I assure you I'm not a discriminator.
I just figured there was at least an ounce of humor in that.
I have a few others, but I believe that administration of this forum would strongly protest.

GOOD DAY, CHILDREN.
Permalink
| July 15, 2013, 11:59 pm
I believe in a society where a chicken can cross a road without its motives being questioned.

I waited all night for the sun to rise. finally, it dawned on me

I would tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
Permalink
| July 18, 2013, 1:25 pm
Q: Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic cross-dresser?

A: He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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| July 19, 2013, 2:54 pm
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