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I heard these 2 on the local radio station:
'If someone has a parrot, and doesn't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!" they are wasting their time'

"I wish to know a little bit of every language, just enough to know how to speach, 'sorry, I don't speak ____'"

LOL
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Those are great.

What's the worst thing about being an octopus?

It takes them to long to wash their hands before dinner.

I know, it's la me but it was at the top of the memory bank because I heard it yesterday.
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ok my friend told me this one
a guy and a vegetarian girl are ordering dinner from a restaurant when the girl says
"if you loved animals you'd stop eating them"
the boy responds
" if you loved animals you'd stop eating their food"
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The Shortest Bar Joke in the World, but you have to think, tell me if you understand it!

A guy walks into a bar and says,"Ow!"
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Marvelous! I just told my dad and he laughed for a good minute.
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ouch, ouch, ouch.
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XD nice!
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too classical :P
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Here's a bad one I heard:

I'm the Gundam Batman!
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"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
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lol, nice!
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Thaat is great :D
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ok, another GOOD joke I heard :P

' Little Bunny FooFoo, running through the forest, scooping up the doormice, and smashing in their heads...
Dooowwwn came the good farie, who said, "Little Bunny FooFoo, you have been a very naught bunny, running through the forest, scooping up the doormice, and smashing in their heads... you have 2 more chances."

Little Bunny FooFoo, running through the forest, scooping up the doormice, and smashing in their heads...
Dooowwwn came the good farie, who said, "Little Bunny FooFoo, you have been a very naught bunny, running through the forest, scooping up the doormice, and smashing in their heads... you have 1 more chance."

Little Bunny FooFoo, running through the forest, scooping up the doormice, and smashing in their heads...
Dooowwwn came the good farie, who said, "Little Bunny FooFoo, you have been a very naught bunny, running through the forest, scooping up the doormice, and smashing in their heads... you have no more chances."

and with that, she turned him into a goon.

The morale of the story, 'hare today, goon tomorrow!'

XD
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Such suspense for a groan joke.
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XD
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How embarrassing...Yoda.
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Judge me by my size, do you?
BTW That's a "That's what she said" joke.
NYUK NYUK NYUK!
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Your laugh is strange. XD
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As if that was my real laugh.
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Are you active now?
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What does that have to do with anything?
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Dunno.
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Well not now, it's been a few days.
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true...
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"True, painfully true." RJ from Over the Hedge
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"What kind of mouse walks on two legs?"
"Mickey Mouse."
"Right, now what kind of duck walks on two legs?"
"Donald Duck."
"No, all ducks you idoit!"
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XD what's that from?
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A friend told me it, I don't know where though.
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What's interesting is my first thought was Reepacheep from Chronicles of Narnia, what's weird is I'm not even that huge of a fan.
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There are measurements that small?
HAR HAR HAR!
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A guy is pulled over for speeding. The state trooper says, "Okay, I'm about to go off duty, so if you give me a good reason for speeding I'll let you go." The man replies, "Well, nine years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I thought you were trying to bring her back!" The state trooper replies with a faint smile, "Alright, you can go."
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Well see, now you've gone too far, and it wasn't even something Yoda said, so you've now ruined the fun.
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Just trying to jump on the bandwagon.
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How do you keep someone in suspense?
Well, I'll tell ya...
...
...
...
:P
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Only a true idoitic person would fall for that. It's not all too funny either.
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Come on MC, why so serious?
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heard that one 2 days ago :P
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Are you still waiting to find out?
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In this world we have this stuff:

http://www.govgroup.com/raid-ant-and-roach-killer-dra94400-2162969-prd1.htm

Roaches are said to survive nuclear blasts.

WHAT THE HECK IS IN THIS STUFF?!
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:P
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Actually I think roaches can only survive nuclear RADIATION, not blasts. I think.
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The most dangerous substance known to man.
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so anyway, this is a true story.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10835890

a must-read article in todays paper :)

so anyway, this eel got stuck up this guy's bum.

how did it get there?

was it dead/alive.

"Was it just finding a crack to live in?" - me
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(6 _ 9)
Um... They don't know how it got there? I can think of something, but it is pretty messed up and is completely inappropiate. Some people like the feeling of stuff up in there. I learned that on 1000 Ways to Die.
(6 _ 9)
Yeah...
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The "Mythbusters" proved that to be false.
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ewww! bro! XD

the article didn't say how it got up there... he either ate it, shoved it up, or was swimming, and the eel found a crack which would be its home :P
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I knew it wasn't right to say it, but I could have gone into a lot more detail than I did.
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Trollolololol
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May Eduard Khil Troll in Peace.
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For some reason my mom sent me an e-mail that other women have set her, but this was pretty good. Everything below this setence is from that e-mail word for word.

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3.He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1.He went into His Father's business
2.He lived at home until he was 33
3.He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1.He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1.He never cut His hair
2.He walked around barefoot all the time
3.He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1.He was at peace with nature
2.He ate a lot of fish
3.He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1.He never got married.
2.He was always telling stories.
3.He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1.He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2.He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3.And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN!!
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